melancholic

“I love you” means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you’re in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. “I love you” means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.” Jonathan Safran Foer

i love that piece from Mr. Foer. it’s the kind of love that I can relate to. 🙂 *just feeling melancholic as of late*

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it seems like digital writing has been my thing the past few days.

i love things handwritten…. i love to write.. mostly in my journal or usually i write in my happy jar… or boo chronicle…

but sometimes when words seems to flow, my writing becomes like that of a doctor…

maybe i should try writing on quill’s like Rizal or Shakespeare… so it looks elegant, and you can still read it.

or maybe it’s not meant to be read…. just some random musings from a twenty-something girlalu!

if i die, do you think someone would fancy my journal and have it printed like Anne Frank? Hah. My dream would come true then! To be a bestseller.

I hope my life was interesting enough…. Well, i’ve lived 50/50 on most points…. but i’ve played 100% since last year… maybe i’ll do a 110% … that way.. if i leave Earth… everyone will remember me as their Rainbow Tina angel! *beams* and well, don’t you worry… every time you see a rainbow.. it’s me sliding up and down and waving hellooo… there’s still tomorrow… and there’s lotsa colors!

Carpe Diem!!!!

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What is your kind of Love today?

Love.

I’d like to begin with one of my favorite Bible passage…

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” ESV, 1 Corinthians 13:4

Love is a million things and a million star burst to many!

And that passage holds on to many experiences…. that we have of Love.

and we do experience it in many different ways….

and it gets tricky because sometimes “FEAR” masks as some form of “LOVE”

and you know its Fear when it gives you feelings of pain and suffering….that’s part of the whole dance… but know that, that experience is not of LOVE….

everyday we encounter the many faces of LOVE….

some days we experience love as gentle, when you both just want to rest in each others arms and no amount of words can describe that sweet, gentle feeling… its cuddling with your beloved when you wake up or before you sleep, those gentle back rubs, the kisses before one leaves for work

some days we experience love as compassionate, when your lover comes home tired from the demands of the world, agitated and anxious…. or having a bad day or going through the worst of times..

some days we experience love as kind, when your lover gets mad or forgets for awhile to see you in your magnificence and only see the wrongs… but you choose to understand and accept your love no matter what….

some days we experience love as forgiving, when you release your loved one from the guilt that you see that he/she did something wrong….. its releasing the need to be right…

some days we experience love as patient, as our love grows older and little things seems to annoy us, or whenever the one we love does not act the way we  want to…

some days we experience love as faith, when we take that leap, and just BELIEVE and KNOW that our love will be there every step of the way…

some days we experience love as trust, when we took that leap of faith, we don’t know whats beyond us, we don’t know where it would take us, to trust the process, to trust our love, to light our way… and to trust the things we do not understand… to trust that no one is walking out that door…..

some days we experience love as happiness, when one notices the little things that people tend to forget, when you notice that he is consistent with you, that she took time for you, that he cared for you, that she loves you, the silent whispers, the wooing, that moment when she understands, those magical kisses, when she makes his favorite drink or he cooks your favorite meal, when he sends yellow flowers when its cloudy, the tight hugs,

some days we experience love as grateful, the things that we learn from another, grateful for the laughter and even the tears…

some days we experience love as bliss, when everything’s rosy and no amount of rain can dampen your parade… and sometimes its like a good cake, that you just have to eat it because it comes unexpectedly and you gotta take the chances,

some days we experience love as intimacy, when we develop that kind of trust to be truly intimate with another in all areas of the mind, heart and soul, that moment where we ache to be truly ourselves, when she sleeps on his chest, and when he sleeps on her shoulders,

photo source: http://grandduchess-anastasia.tumblr.com

some days we experience love as hopeful, that every fight and every tears are there to dissolve any walls that has been built by previous hurts and pains… and with hope.. you allow love to flow back forth…

some days we experience love as vulnerable, when we completely surrender ourselves to another and when we are authentic and give each one a safe space to do so…. this is the ultimate and the most courageous thing….

some days we experience love as a commitment, to do whatever it takes no matter what, no if’s no but’s…. no walking out that door…. the little sacrifices, the meeting halfways,

some days we experience love as strength, when we choose to hold on, that our love is stronger than the thought of letting go, and that we see there is still something for both of you to teach one another, and that your partnership serves to inspire the world, that despite the challenges, the bills, the normal and the familiarity of day to day living sinks in, the stress, all those concerns… you stay strong..because you remember.. you love.

some days we experience love as courage, when its time to let go of an abusive and a stagnant relationship…

some days we experience love as a miracle, when we thought we could not love another person again, but then God gives us another chance, or another person to make it better, to be more authentic, to be more kind, to be more compassionate, and a whole meaningful and whole experience of love

some days we experience love as inspiring, when the world seems brighter and better, and the birds seems to sing sweet songs for you, and you get inspired to do well in what you do, be it your work or becoming a better lover, and you incorporate new things in your life or when we don’t have it altogether in ourselves, we see couples walking by basking underneath love and we feel inspired…

in everyday, in every way, love shows up in many forms of relationships……

may this remind you, that in this world…. only LOVE is REAL……….. the rest? all those doubts, worries, anxieties, those insecurities, and all the other issues, are not real… but a call for you to love even more and deeply.

[of course there’s a fine line between being a martyr – staying in an unhealthy relationship and you know… that deep inside… ]

WILD & Awesome 2013

and indeed it was a W.I.L.D… one *insert song Wild One ft. Sia*

in case one needs a refresher… I coined WILD as “wonderfully, interesting, love filled days” and indeed my 2013 was filled with that!
Wonderfully interesting by pushing our Liwanag World Festival last February 2013 and by late July, early August my love filled days started and it’s been brewin ever since up to now…. and my heart is desiring for a forever here. [insert song: First Day of Forever] *may the love angels guide us* Yes, there’s something sweet in that desire. Right, boo?

Everyone I know was going through a whole lot of ups & downs. In fact, this year is one tough year for everyone. It was a year of “losses” – be it personally, financially, emotionally, physically…….. I lost a good close friend of mine… Yan2x…. but I know he will always be remembered in my heart. And a lot of my good friends and loved ones lost someone who are close to their hearts too. Also the calamities that devastated parts of our country was equally depressing. However, let this all be not for naught but always cherish and remember our loved ones. Remember our good times with them…because they are never gone… they will always live in our hearts. Meantime, may it teach us to be more present with one another and to always give our all…. When it comes to relationships. Take chances that are there for the taking because we never know what would happen next…… and say the words you would want your loved ones to hear….. because today can be the last day or the first day of your life….. The year was filled with expose as well as the spotlight shifts to our corrupt government officials. *insert explicit words here* It was in fact a year of drama or turmoil if you choose to suffer that long, but at the bright side of everything … is that sometimes… some things needs to fall apart so we can choose the pieces we want to stay in our life…..

This year, I had to go through bouts of confusion in matters of career, because I was confused with all the opportunities unfolding to the point of “I don’t want to move” or “I don’t know what to do”. But, I did try new ventures and found out it was more of an added skill to what I can do one day to support me for a larger purpose which is to be of service to the Filipinos and ultimately the humankind. By spreading LOVE and in more tangible terms… giving each one sustainable support and empowering them to go find their own path.  I even thought of moving out from home… but felt it wasn’t the right time. Yet.

To everyone who braved the year 2013… I congratulate you! Two more challenging years up ahead and we are well on our way to adjusting to the thinning veil of materialism and externals versus valuing what truly matters most to each and every one of us. And that is: what we feel beyond the physical… love, relationships, & spirituality. Just hold on to what matters most and all will not be lost. J Make sure you pick up the worthy ones! Pass up good, wait for great! If you found yourself something great…. Hold onto that and fight for your true heart’s desires….. they don’t usually come around for a second time! 🙂

This year, I’ve experienced various individuals who tested my patience. More like, I’ve encountered people I would rather not deal with in matters of business affairs and personal encounters. Also, betrayal of trust was one issue I tackled, however God always spares me and keeps me from harm while at the same time able to teach me a lesson. I also encountered my bitchy self twice this year. And I know, I ought to trust my intuition more. And now, I know when to stay or leave without prolonging the agony. Ive also learned how to forgive myself for making stoopid mistakes now and then. *face palm*

But then, it was good that on February, I did a spring cleaning of my heart….. Forgiving and letting go of past hurts and angers…. In order to bring in love again… and he arrived on an August day… like a gentle koala with his eucalyptus… and he was just right before my eyes pala… I just have to open my eyes…. [insert song: open your eyes to love]

This year was also wedding-filled!! 7 weddings! But only managed to join the 5 weddings. My closet is filled with dresses na! I was secondary sponsor on 2 weddings, one I was the candle, and another towel. To all the newly married couples for the year 2013… I wish you all the best and may you inspire more people to love and cherish their chosen ones!  and mind you, they were all couples and partnerships that I admire because each has their own spark and uniqueness and they inspire me.

[shout outs to: Rey & Karyl (Urdaneta) – you are a young couple, however I see the love and commitment that is rare sa age nyo… it inspires me!, Kuya Noli & Ate Tere (Batangas) – ive seen you together 4 years ago and we thought you were just friends! Mag boyfriend pala eh!!, Kuya Jaime & Ate Beth (Tagum – may 26) – huwaaa your goal while you were under me Ate Beth was to plan your wedding… you have no idea how your partnership and devotion to Kuya Jaime inspires me.  Meynard & Fran(june 8) – when I heard your love story… I was deeply touched and moved. Kuya Eli and Ate Precious(july 20) – your story is similar to mine.. so that’s why I understood what you guys had to go through… and look at you all pregnant and happy already! Bords &Regine – you are a cute couple! best wishes!!  Cris and Ate Jill – Huwaaaaa!! You’ve seen me both in my brokenness and happiness…. And it is with your partnership that inspires me to also not give up and to keep opening my eyes….]

Despite everything in 2013, I am super grateful for one gift God gave me. 🙂 He is a gift because; I love who I am becoming because of him. And I know it to be true. I know he wouldn’t like it if I mention his name here…. But you know who you are sweetheart! To us, the challenge is… the gift of patience, anticipation, and building the foundation to a lasting worthy partnership…. I don’t know where it will take us… but I’ll be holding you in my heart as you will hold me in yours…. It won’t be hearts and flowers or rosy all the time…. But always remember, if there’s a fall out…. that won’t change my love and respect to you. Kisses  hugstight

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This year for BDJ’s checklist: Here’s what I managed to cross off:

*Allow yourself to make mistakes

*Be eco-conscious

*Build your own blog/website – I opened a new theme this year….. @ tumblr

*Buy flowers for your mother – during her birthday! She loves flowers!!

*Clean your playlist – I did!! Whoopeee!

*Dance in the pouring rain – who doesn’t love to be childlike every now and then?

*Drink more water and less soda – check!! Altho I did drink more soda this year than last year

*Eat more fruits and less sweets – yup! Less chocolates and cakes this year!

*Face your greatest fear – JUMP!!! Jumping off the Hayahay rock! Believe me that wasn’t just a fear…. It’s trauma that I overcame from that jump!

*Get your fortune told – Uhmm does pulse reading count?

*Give compliments – Yup!!!

*Google yourself – I have sooo much digital trail … I plan to take them off one by one one day!!

*Jump off a high cliff into the ocean – well, it wasn’t a high cliff… it was just a short jump.. but that was a big deal for me *refer to greatest fear*

*Laugh your heart out

*Learn a new song and dance – chicken dance!! Whoops kiri whoops!!

*Learn a new sport – Kayak!!!
*Learn how to drive – more like polishing my driving skills. More confident now. Parking na lang!

*Learn how to take criticisms – *refer to my post HERE

*Learn to forgive yourself and others

*Learn to say No

*Let go of your past – supercheck!

*Make a baby laugh – haha all the time!

*Make someone a good cup of coffee – yup!!

*Own a pet and take good care of it – Chichay!!! *here* (October)

*Plant a tree – @ Maa Watershed offsetting our LWF carbon footprint (August)

*Play a game of poker with your friends and bluff a hand – new year 2013 with my childhood friends!

*Say “I Love You” to someone special – Bootsulit!  *kiss*

*Smile at 100 strangers

*Sort your wardrobe

*Take a holiday trip with your Best Friend! – Bee! But it was more of business pleasure? But well it was really pleasure naman! Haha (August)

*Throw a huge party with your cousins – Bridal Shower (October)

*Update your resume

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2013 Firsts:

*press conferences

*my first PPA meeting (Potential Problem Analysis)

*ex-deal negotiations

*spirit keeper of Happy Team Campaign (politics)

*meeting the Filipino Chinese businessmen here in Dabaw

*First Book reading of I am Maria!

*filing a police report

*got a license from IC

*organized a bridal shower for my cousin

Movies on-screen:

*Life Of Pi, Les Miserables, White House Down, 4 Sisters and a Wedding, Girl, Boy, Bakla, Tomboy

Memorable Events:

*Liwanag World Festival 2013 preparation and days

*Lunch with Joey Ayala at the Adventurer’s abode, Dinner at Kublai’s home! (spontaneous!)

*MISSION Reunion @ Davao

*My Birthday Celebration (spontaneous!) everyone just went sa bahay! Huwaaa everyone that mattered to me. We watched a movie till sawa!!! It was just casual and chill

*Hosted THE RSA with a bang! Huwaaaaa! I did it well and a lot of people congratulated me whoopee I don’t think I want to do it again though. Nyahahaha. Scared the wits out of me!

*Ikepono Gathering (April – Davao)

*meeting Ate Claire after a year sa Leap! J

*attending Milo’s concert! A popular indie European musician, who is the cousin of Ate Maya.

*meeting Justin Garrido of Socialproject.ph

*Bowling with Ikepono peeps!

*Seeing Boses and the cast @ Cinematheque

*with Kath and her hubby, gift giving @ Malinaw Elementary School

*met ate Meg!!

*Blue moon date with Boo

*joined Million March (peaceful way) – singing

*Kuya Atho arrives

*huge waves @ Hayahay!!!

*BBQ Party – convergence with the Lightworkers

*Ate Au’s Birthday (Paradise in the morning, with Dr. Vic’s talk, plus dinner @ Sarung Banggi).

*Movie date: Harry Potter with Boo

*Boo & Trish episode so cute!

*Full moon Lunar Party @ Ilawod House Warming

*Kapampangan Ilokano talk with Boo

*DXN’s 14th Anniversary!

*Rainbow in Club Med, Cherating Beach (Nov. 19)

*DXN’s 20th Anniversary!

*days and nights with Boo

Travel:

*Lake Agco, Hayahay (4), Cebu, Bohol, Tagum, Paradise Island (2), Sea Grass (1), Padada (2), Marbel (3), Eden Nature (1), Manila (4), Baguio (1), Malaysia (1), Bangkok (1),

Workshops:

I conducted/facilitated:

Discovery Workshop Cebu, Heart Quest 4(5 sessions),

I staffed:

Ikepono (March Davao), Ikepono (April / Manila), Discovery (level1), Level 2 Breakthrough (2)

I attended:

BOP, PCTC, Wealth Management Forum, Wealth Workshop with Russ, Surrender to Love, The Shift, Club Med Cherating International Seminar (DXN)

will you choose me?

In the past, I’ve played with my ideals of being this modern, bold, empowered woman. That, no man can tame me. That, I’d go chase after what I truly want… even if that involves having “no man” in my life.

I grew up thinking that men and babies should be secondary goals… that I have other important things to do than to love a man… but then, I am asked… what is true love… and the miracle of giving birth to a baby next to the awesome high of fulfilling reports and recognition in career?

I thought my romantic and enchanted longings deserved less respect than my longing for chasing my professional career.

But, deep inside… I realized, I have been masking a deeper longing about having someone to share my life with. there’s this longing… to share my life to another. And, I cannot, ignore it anymore. That part of what I truly want…. is a romantic, emotional …. fulfillment.

and mind you… this is not something out of “loneliness”… this is something beyond that… there’s a journey in life… where it stops..

that there’s an enchanted realm where you are only allowed to enter… two by two. you cannot go through that area alone. you’ve got to find someone who loves you enough… to choose you to journey with him…..

and with that.. here are the things I want and desire….

I want a deep, long lasting love… and I want that kind of relationship.

I dont want just a relationship to make me feel secure….

I want friendship and companionship… and someone whom i can be passionately intimate with.

I want the nurturing support of another man…. and I desire the attention of someone who would care for me, notice me, love me and adore me, and someone who can help and support me. I desire someone who understands what I truly like… and then would make plans for me…

I want someone who anticipates my needs, wishes and wants, without me having to ask… I want someone who cares for my well-being, and understands what I am going through in life and recognize the validity of how I feel…

I want someone who would listen… I want someone whom.. I can be safe to be with… whom I can just be with..

I want someone who misses me and who desires to be with me…I want for me to love him and trust him freely, and then rest in the knowing that my love is returned.

I desire someone who is trustworthy and that I can confide in… I want someone whom I can share my life with… so I know that I don’t have to go through life alone…

and most specially… i desire someone who would choose me…. over and over again…..

and with that intention… out in the Universe…

I will be here… waiting for you. 🙂

and  I ask the angels…. to illumine your mind, and enlighten your heart… and for my eyes to see… you. to recognize … that it’s been you all along. or maybe its my mind that needs illuminating.. and your eyes that needs clarity….

but, to you I say this…

I cant wait to take my shoes off and stay with you for a while….

I can’t wait to swim with you….. one day.

may my love for you…. guide you to me….. 🙂

Read All About It: Pork Barrell Scam

You’ve got the words to change a nation, but you’re biting your tongue. You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence, afraid you’ll say something wrong.

If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song. So come on ,come on…Come on, come on

You’ve got a heart as loud as lions, So why let your voice be tamed? Baby we’re a little different, there’s no need to be ashamed

You’ve got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away. Come on, Come on

I wanna sing, I wanna shout. I wanna scream till the words dry out…so put it in all of the papers, i’m not afraid. they can read all about it. read all about it oh

Song exercpt from: Read All About It – Emeli Sande

That song is dedicated to all the people who are speaking out about our current SYSTEM.

[ you can listen to it as a background music: Read All About It]

I’ve read a lot about the PORK BARREL SCAM lately. And from these blogs:  MOMANDPOP and DULZSPEAKS

We all know, that the news is not “NEW”. We knew all along our tax are being used that way, but I guess those anonymous comments that gave those mindblowing figures and with rationale made us even go wide-eyed, wide-mouthed, heavens worthy of a shock.

 But here’s a view of Social Transformation (which is what I see …. that is happening to our country now)….

This metamorphosis of the caterpillar or worm to a butterfly is a powerful metaphor for societal transformation.  The people who awake to the new possibilities are like the imaginal cells of their own society. The process of societal transformation starts with the emergence of these individuals who carry with them the seeds of the future. They are “imaginal” in that they carry in their innovation an aspect of the image of the future of their society. These innovative individuals, these bearers of the future become the “deviants” of their own society. They are not recognized as the bringers of good. Rather they are attacked as disturbers of the present, destroyers of self-defeating habits of the old society (the caterpillar) which has been superficially framed as the “good life”. In extreme cases, they can be killed. Kennedy, King, Gandhi, Rizal, Bonifacio, Javier, Aquino, and others were killed because they were too dangerous to the system. The auto-immune response of the old society tries to get rid of these visionaries.” – Butterfly Effect, Nicanor Perlas

For a background of the “Butterfly Effect” please click on this link –> Butterfly Effect 

My initial reaction to the information given out by them anonymous… was of course.. ANGER.

It made people go screaming mad, some were giving out hopeless comments, that it is the way it is… and all that shizznit… and we cannot do anything about it.

Zilch. Nada. Let’s just keep paying our taxes while they go spend the money or sit on it with their stinkin ass and let them go buy that luxury car or that luxury unit next door while the rest of the working class, keep providing for them and while most of our brothers and sisters still live in shantys and we continue to disempower them.

Well, it’s a system that has been going on for years.. and if you’ve read the blog… if we wanna go “due process”, our laws were made to protect people just like them.

And we can’t possibly do another People Power… because folks.. it’s insane to keep and do the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

So too in society at large. We see chaos all around. We can respond in two ways. We can complain and dis-empower ourselves with a sense of hopelessness. Or we can see this as an external symptom that the old order is collapsing and waiting to be transformed into a level of complexity and order. – The Butterfly Effect,  Nicanor Perlas

There are actually two ways to go about it…. (aside from the fact… that we can just sit back and live our own life).

FIRST OPTION: The Revolution.

Create different groups.

Ask everyone not to pay taxes. Call on the support of the police officials who are fed up of the system. Military officials who will drop their guns against us and pointed to them corrupt..

One group as mercenaries to assassinate all the corrupt bloodlines and leave no one behind (Wow, just like them dark wars).

Then create a different take over group.  One that carries the voice of the multitude….. now who would that be, would be a whole huge debacle. As we overthrow a system… what would ensure us that the system we place would be the perfect system…. etc.. and many other complications will rise from this. Whuddunit. Bright minds should gather and think about how to go through it seamlessly. And how do you know those underground plans wouldn’t be filled with various snakes who can rat against you?

However noble the cause…. revolutions…. that can turn out bloody… cannot be our foundation for a new society that we envision…. for the system that we envision…

SECOND OPTION: Peace is the Way – Butterfly Effect

Well, we have to accept the fact that War cannot drive out War. And that HATE cannot drive out HATE. Only peace is the way…. and only love can drive out hate. only light.. can drive out darkness.

and you can say.. yadda yadda. What is peace to the multitude that is suffering? Yadda Yadda.. how can you say that while the rest of the country are starving? And thats just another bunch of “feel-good” theory.

But, my dear friends…. this is scientifically proven… and in the City that I am living in… we are reaping the results as more and more of us… “USE THIS WAY”.

For a background of the “Butterfly Effect” please click on this link –> Butterfly Effect

We can all do this wherever we are….. situated… whether you are a government official genuinely wanting to serve our nation, a student, a mother, a teacher, a farmer, a lover, a healer, a gasoline boy, and insert all kinds of people…..

#1 –  Envision the kind of Philippines you want to live in. How do you see our politicians? How do you see our system? How do you envision the grandest version of Philippines? Do we see ourselves rising and becoming the Tiger of Asia… how do you envision progress? Would you want it sustainable? Go wild. Visualize the kind of Philippines you want to live in….. what are the values that we would carry as a NATION? Are we living up to our PREAMBLE ? (we have one of the best preambles by the way…)

#2 – In your own little way, what can you do ….. that can aid and support this vision? What initiatives will you take on… to address the challenges that we are facing today?

#3 – Connect with individuals who are doing “heart-based” work for our country, for their own city…. and learn from them.. or invite them to work with you….

#4 – Keep in touch with CHANGE AGENTS. People who are willing to go off the beaten path… back to being – what is true in our NATURE. Our Nature as Human Beings on this planet… as caretakers… and a brother’s keeper.

#5 – Say these … 4 positive phrases that work over and over again in your mind like a tape recorder whenever you are not doing anything: I love you, I am Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank you. 🙂

There is another aspect of the butterfly that moves us from the realm of metaphor to the realm of science. There is the so-called “butterfly effect” of the new science of complexity. We often hear how the flap of a butterfly’s wings can influence weather patterns around the world. Small changes, if properly situated, can cascade and have large scale effects.

In 1969 Margaret Mead said: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has”. She never imagined that barely a decade later her historical analysis would receive empirical support from natural studies in the form of the new science of complexity. – The Butterfly Effect, Nicanor Perlas

Doing all these.. is not easy. It takes courage to…. do what WORKS for everybody. It takes courage to deviate from things that are normal… to going back to our natural state.

I tell you this path… Option #2… is the hardest part.  The easiest part is not to care.. and not participate.. it’s also very easy to be evil. For people who stick to evil deeds are the ones who aren’t courageous enough to answer the call that their hearts are saying……. but the bravest people I know.. are those people who would FIGHT and STICK TO THE VISION OF THE KIND OF PHILIPPINES WE WANT TO HAVE… and the VALUES that we CARRY as FILIPINOS.

I have high hopes. 🙂 Because, everyday, I meet people who are in the realm of bringing in positive changes, and awesome sustainable solutions to the challenges we have today.

And yes, the old worm cells, will try to eat away…. the imaginal cells… but… let’s carry on and keep transmuting everyone… and activate their Imaginal Self….

Carry on. Spread the Love… Give the Love around. 🙂

in your face

a day of wholeness. that was yesterday.

It was our last intensive/session for our 2 month coaching program. We had a total of 20 coachees, which was quiet a load considering, the effort one needs to break down the stubborn barriers/habits each possessed, and the struggle to break down words and simplify for them to understand.

I was one of the facilitators for the coaching series, and I wasn’t supposed to really take on coachee’s. But, I did, because during the pre-coach series, I handled them and one requested not to be passed to the other coach. That was something I should not have done, because I thought I could juggle the workload, I could be getting from the coming weeks.

You see, aside from the coaching series, I  had to handle a Service Center from a nearby city, handle other commitments (workshops, I’ve committed to), and brainstorm for the re-programming of a coaching series, social stuff(I have to re-surface for highschool & college friends).

During the last session, we asked them to share their own Heart Quest Journey… “what worked” and “what didn’t work”. One of my coachee’s chose to speak first and he got 100% on bot accounts but he said, to my face and in front of 19 coachees, and 6 coaches, that the “coaching” part didn’t work.

That was like the end of Davao for me. [not the world, yet. though] I felt really, really bad, and it was like ughhhh. I can’t take it off my mind.

I wanted to lash out or burst out into tears from getting that feedback. And he went on and on, about how he had to do his own thing, and that he did it all by himself (which was really the purpose of coaching, I’m merely a sounding board). “My happiness & excitement worked”, he says but it was like saying “I didn’t like my coach”.

I wanted to defend myself, I wanted to say: “Can’t you see? The whole point of the coaching series was for you to do it on your own. Not someone who would tell you what to do. And besides, you weren’t even doing your part when I asked you to list down your action plans! *&#$%!” Insert all the reasons my ego needs to defend itself.

But then, I deduced it to: “Why, thank you for your feedback and your honesty, I needed that.” *as I grit my teeth, and softened my glare.

However, there was some truth to that. For the first few weeks, I was updated by their progress, cheering them on, suggesting things, reminding them. However, when they started not to be on time when it comes to calls, I told them to just sms me. Maybe, the calls was too much for me, too uncomfortable, because I had to stop what I was doing, and for the next couple of weeks, my commitment to the 2 coachees regressed. It was also due to the fact, that I was facing something really challenging which involves thousands of money to recover, and emotional stuffs. And it’s like I wasn’t in the space of dealing with it.

I was also holding back for most of the part.

And in the long run, I wasn’t there na. 100%. So, I really deserved to hear that feedback. No matter, how that hurts, and how that marred my ego. Man, no stroking of egos today pala!

Once again my issues of holding back, people pleasing are coming to surface. Arghhh.

And what I was giving to the series, is being reflected with the results they are getting.

My gentle, loving, allowing self didn’t work. Well, wait lang. I’ll be your hard-to-please, no- nonsense, push-you-to your limits coach! Haha. Joke lang.

But, the real struggle for me as of late… is balancing all these commitments all at once, which is really sometimes taking a toll on me, as  I have to use all my mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and social capacity to it’s limits. And really being there 100% despite all the challenges trying to burn my butt.

Balance. I need to find my balance.

(wala pa ako love life nyan ha!! see, how much I need a love life that is not another headache? one that is light and humorous, because life… and other people are giving me theirs na noh!)