Infinite Love and Abundance 2015

2015 was a bit of a challenge for me, in all ways. It tested me to the point it left me stunted, a bit depressed, unwilling to move. I wanted to. But, by the middle of it, I wanted to design my life and re-create it, but I could not get myself to do it. I tried being hard on myself, tried wallowing in self pity, being madrama, I tried to feel every moment. It left me scarred. But, I know the light is still glimmering. There are moments of love and laughter amidst everything. But, there were also moments of despair.

I am still refining what I really wanted in my life. One thing is for sure, I want to raise my own family and become the best wife and mother that I can be. But, that couldn’t happen if I am not ready, nor if my future partner in life is also ready. That is the one thing I am sure of.

But, other than that? Career path? Doing my life’s work?I have devoted myself to journey with every person I meet that I will be one of their supporters in their journey back to Love. Little did I know, I shall be also in the flow of it. It was a constant dance, away from Love, and going back to Love.

What transpired the last months of the year 2015 is the realization that: Anything could happen. IN the blink of an eye, God can come and take you away. Whether you’ve done your life’s work or not. No matter how hard you bargain. Also, it is with God’s grace that you live. And how would you choose to live today.

I am suddenly remembered by a statement of Sister Fidelis, that in the after life, God won’t ask us how many projects we’ve done for the world, or how many people we helped…. but God will only ask us one question: HOW WELL DID YOU LOVE?

Did you love wholeheartedly? Or did you hold back? Did you stop loving because you feared? Or you just tried to numb yourself.

I shall always always remember that statement. And of course it is a good match with: You never lose by LOVING.

Of course, there are moments that it is challenging to practice that Love. Because, my ego mind loves to interfere, but I’m doing my very best to be friends with my ego … although there are my moments that I hate how I react to such things… such as… being selosa, being irritable or cranky, unable to take a joke, pikon and a whole lot of things.

All I ask always, is the guidance from the Divine…. and to SURRENDER all my need to control. πŸ™‚

Lord, I surrender all my burdens and worries to you. I know you have always taken care of me, my family, my boo and friends. May I recognize the miracle in everyday, and to always just choose Love.

*sigh* I miss my dad so much, that it brings me tears at night whenever I remember him. It was always my dream for my dad to see his apo’s and his son-in-law one day. No, he didn’t even catch a glimpse of him. 😦 But, my dad despite his lack of words, showed us in his own way, how not to be judgmental. You can always be you and well he’d be mad but he was never one to keep grudges. T_T He was the best example of unconditional love and BEING-ness. Having him around and just hearing you talk.

It was also this year I experienced how to receive support and help from other people. After Papa left…. a lot of people were there and supported us every step of the way. Thank you dear Lord, for never leaving our side. They were there when we need them the most. πŸ™‚

*sigh*

After dad’s death, I was unable to bring myself to write in my Happiness Jar… but here is what I came up with:

 

Jan 1: Spent time with family. Grateful for the first day of 2015. Wonderful Weather. Healthy Family. The gift of Silence. Me time. Peace. Released. Calm. Love. Boo is crusing and is out of reach, and the angels gave me a card reading today that said: “Your Loved Ones are Safe”. I am assured Boo is safe and sound. πŸ™‚

Jan 2: Today I am grateful thatΒ  I have an energy exchange from Mom. A family of three also visited the center today and bought 40k worth of products after the health reading! I see this as a sign of things to come!! How does it get any better than this?

Jan 3: GRATEFUL for today! I finally heard from BOO but didnt caught up with him just yet! But happy that he sounds fine… and found a moment to steal some wifi access.

Jan 8: Met Avy and Nessa and did card readings for them. Grateful that a lady inquired in the middle and asked to have hers read soon.

Jan 14: Thankful for my first BEHT client today!! How does it get any better than this?

Jan 21: put your ear down by your HEART and Listen Hard.

Jan 22: Wow! I received my Php 1,350 today from my 3 clients in BEHT! How does it get any better than this?

Jan 27: Today is a happy day with MichaelBoo. I really enjoyed making lambing to him. I love it!! We talked about calls, love, marriage.. tennis, and *wink wink*.

Jan 28:Β  Tribe of Love @ our home, so papa can join in on us and see us meeting. Full house with lots of food. I made the beef tapa today! Woot woot!

feb 4: Its a full moon and we had our MasterMind @ Bahay Kubo.. The Avila’s place. I imagined that I was with Boo and we are together dancing underneath the moonlight! What a day! Today we watched the Shift with the community. “Just be there… Pay attention… .and Magic happens…” =)

Feb 5 2015: Huwaw! Boo’s card arrived today! Happiness! Can’t open it pa! Today I also went to the dentist and it is a win that I’m over my fear of dentists, Mom need not accompany me! I also had a date with Ate Ana @ the Echo Store. I am blessed today!

Feb 9: Today I went out with my Papa. He often loves to join us when we go out of the home. Today, he was game enough to accompany me with my errands. We went to Ate Gyne’s to fetch the Kangen, hatid Paolo at school. and then I visited the post office to follow up on my package, and then I dropped by at a surplus shop whereΒ  I found an MK bag I have always wanted. Then, I urged my dad to come down and take a look inside since there’s not much people anyway. And he went to the slippers area. He loves slippers! And then I bought the bag and my papa was grinning and wanted a red slipper…. so, I told him sure!! I will get that for you of course! And then I wanted to give my Papa a treat and told him: You want to eat the ice cream Pope ate at the aircraft that is made in the Philippines? And he said: Sure! And so, I bought him the strawberry flavored to which he shared with mom and me at home. πŸ™‚ One of the best days with my Papa. πŸ™‚

Feb13: Boo gave me a sweet amethyst necklace. 2 cards. And he cooked the same breakfast I had today. And even made me spaghetti!!! He is the sweetest! And he took a day off!!! *blushes* We watched 3 idiots. My family was also complete for the dinner!!! Best!

Feb 14: How does it get any better than this? Boo gave me a bouquet of flowers and our third BOOBABY!! Boobwhit is the name! So kyootipay!! Lovely lovely flowers. *blushes* Although he got sick today 😦 But he did his best to be with me…. *hugsBooTight*

Feb 15: Happy Birthday Darlene!!!

Feb 18: Papas Birthday! we had Lamb today!! For Papa! And everyone in the Tribe of Love was present. It was a full house full of fun and laughter. And they sang the Old Lang Syne to my Papa. Good thing I recorded that one!

March 18: While traveling, and waiting for our Bacolod flight in Cebu, Tito Devin and Tita Letty fetched us and took us for lunch at Casa Verde one of the oldest restaurants they have. They have the most generous family in Cebu I know!

March 26: Mom wanted a celebration at home. I bought mom a luggage!! Since she always wanted to have one that is not too large or too small. Papa, also took me on the side the other day and asked me to buy white and pink stargazers for mom as his gift (sweeet!!) (aside from mom’s shopping spree for the day!). It is also their Wedding Anniversary. And they celebrated it with just as and the rest of our household. πŸ™‚

April 27: God gave us an angel in the form of Tita Angie who accompanied us at Camp Aguinaldo, even though it is her birthday today. πŸ™‚

July 28: Happy Birthday Paolooo!!

Sept 24: Happy Birthday Boooo!!

Oct 13: Boo reminded that its my favorite day today and we watched: The Croods and Inside Out!!! Best day ever! As always with Boo.

Oct. 16-17 2015: *made **** today with Boo πŸ˜› in Tagalog. Haha. Stayed up till 12:49 am that;s3:49am. He shared me stories and it was an intimate and loving conversation. I felt so loved.

Nov9 2015: watched 3 movies today with Boo: The Maze Runner, The American President and Beetlejuice. It was lovely. He is the best with Quality Time!!! *hugshugs* I miss Papa though.. I still think fondly of him.

dec 21: Im like a princess or Miss Universe… being crowned today!!Β  Becauseeeee right after the Miss Universe Pageant, a mail arrived from my Boo… huwaaaaa… andΒ  I got a CATS beanie! I did not expect that!!! OMG I was so surprised. My Boo sure is supported with the angels and his Timing!

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In a nutshell and milestones of 2015:

TSULITTEAM: Lovely days, he makes breakfast for me, waking him up in the morning, making breakfast for him, accompanies me during events, ensures that I get home safely, takes care of me, on moments he sleeps on mewhenever we watch dark movies, celebrated our 3rd year since the day we first met, celebrated our 2nd year in YM and the beginning of our journey together as TsulitTeam, watches movies and series with me, cuddling, supporting one another, listening and understanding one another, loving and just loving……

Movies: How To Train Your Dragon, Call Center Girl, Pirates of The Carribean ON stranger Tides, Addicted, The Visit,

Series watched with Boo: Game of Thrones, Scandal

Travels: Zamboanga City, Cebu City, Cagayan De Oro City(2), Pagadian City, Cadiz City, Metro Manila(4), Batangas City. Samal, Ozamis City, Iligan City(2), Butuan City, Sta. Maria (Little Boracay), Baguio City, Santiago (Isabela) (2), Rizal(2), Tagum City, Bat Cave and Vanishing Island – Samal, Cavite City(2), Urdaneta City, Balanga, Bataan, Laguna,

Workshops Conducted: Heart of Networking: 7Β Β Β Β Β  Heart of a Leader: 8Β Β Β  5 Love Languages: 1 MasterMind Workshop: 1

Workshops Staffed: Ikepono: One weekend

Workshops Attended: Enneagram With Sister Fidelis

Ate Something New: Satti (as recommended by Boo),

Weddings Attended: 3

BIG EVENT: Hosted @ MOA ARENA πŸ™‚ with 3K people πŸ™‚

Eventss Supported: Philippine Eagle Family Day, Prosperity Consciousness Day, Cycle for Life (registration), A day to Change the World, Bazaar for A Cause, Tribute of Tito Leo (registration)

Angels met: RC, Ate Grace, Ate Kathy, Kuya Chad Laurente, Cristina, Shrijaya,

My Angels and Crystals Online Shop was also born during the bazaar last August 13, 2015 πŸ™‚

Mutant Academy School of Ninja Turtles was also born August 2015

 

I wasn’t able to document that much this year…. however I wished to document more this coming year…. πŸ™‚

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Journey back to Love

There is one dance we have in this Earth and this is our dance in staying in Love, and our journey away from it. I have been in the flow, think of rivers and tides, getting pulled back by Fear and then moving forward in Love.

The description is poetic, but the moment that thing happens is the least moment I’d want to stay in. But, then it happens. And as it happens, all I know is to stay in the present and let the tears flow like liquid prayers.

The past few months, I find myself crying myself to sleep. And, I couldn’t figure out why and if I pinpoint the reasons, there could be five or six that I can think of. But, more so, I feel it is my soul aching. Aching to do what it wants. It is my soul desiring to love and be loved, to be seen and be appreciated. Even though, I never lacked that growing up, but there’s this threshold that my soul wants to enter, that I cannot reach alone.

Call me maarte or ma-drama, but that is what I want.

Tonight, I don’t want to lament or torment myself of how I am kind of a wee bit far from the place I want to be. There were fleeting moments I’d see glimpses of the possibilities of what lies ahead,and I am truly thankful to God for those moments.

Tonight, I just want to cast out my desires….

I want you to hold my hand, and maintain contact, to speak even without words but through the slightest of touch or if you are not around send me your waves of love even in times I am not loving at all.

I want you, gentle enough to understand me during my crazy moments and whose love will not waver at the slightest rock and movement of the boat.

I want you, not to give up. I want you not to dismiss my feelings but honor and appreciate them as it happens.

Yes, you won’t be perfect. And I will always always do my part to understand you.

Yes, you won’t be sending me the same love I would be giving you. I am not asking you to out-give me. I am simply asking you to be vulnerable enough to feel and join me in this journey.

I want you to hug me when I am hysterical. You don’t really need to spoil me by doing whatever it is that I want. All I want is a simple smile from you and that love that emanates from you telling me you would never abandon me or ask me to go away.

I also want you to be brave enough to tell me what you see in me that I do or say that hurts you or invalidates you. I want you to be transparent to me.

I don’t want you to be scared to tell me the truth.

I want you to TRUST me. I want you not to put up walls when I ask uncomfortable questions. I want you to understand me, that the reason I ask, was for me to know you more and understand you not because I am doubting you.

I want you to be safe in my arms as I hold your precious dreams and desires close to my heart.

I want to be your well of admiration, appreciation and love. I want you to relax in me.

I want you to know I am your ally.

I want to support you achieve your highest version of yourself as you support mine.

I want our partnership to grow with Christ in our midst.

I want to sleep in your arms.

I want you to choose Love not once, not twice but everyday even if it’s hard. But, on moments you fall hard, I will be there with you and be patient with you as you grow into the partnership with me.

The ride won’t be easy. It won’t be always unicorns and rainbows, even though I always paint you scenarios of that. We will go through walls and thorns and fight dragons if we have to. And just Trust in the our Love that over flows from one another.

I want you to love me not because you lack… but because you are so full of it. I have always loved you from an overflow, and when my love tank’s level goes low, I want you to recognize it as a temporary moment.

That, what I need from you is just your arms around me, telling me everything will be alright. You don’t need to have a solution every time.

I want to hear you say: Please stay with me. I don’t want to lose you. Not to be dependent on me or not because you are in need of me. But, because you know you don’t need me, but you want me to be with you.

I want you to never stop showing me how much I mean to you.

I want a love that rewards instead of punishes when one fails or stumbles.

I want you to know my weakness, and trust you enough that you won’t take advantage of it. As i honor yours.

I want you to know, that no matter what happens, you have me. I am your partner, your lover, your sister, your mother, your goddess, your queen, your Shekinah, who will be with you every step of the way and yet wise enough to give you space to grow on your own whenever necessary.

I want you to be comforted in the knowing thatΒ  I accept you just the way you are. Warts and all.

I know all good things take time. I am not asking the heavens to hurry up.

I just wanted to be in touch with my soul and be really clear of what I want to experience in the relationship I choose to be in. In the relationship that I deserve to be in.

Maybe, God is still preparing you. Or maybe I am not ready for you.

I will be here waiting for you.

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2014: It’s Bliss!

2014 has been very good. I can say I have begun to shed off things I deem not my priority and began to really pick up areas in my life I want to focus on. (My declarations really paid off: Pure Bliss 2014)

Primarily, I have been cherishing one of God’s greatest gift to me: Boo. I know, he has been the talk of the year in my blog, because it’s an area I have been holding back for most of my life. But, with him, I feel I am ready. And with that, everything is just happening in God’s perfect time. I have grown a lot, he showed me in so many ways areas of me that I have masked. And if i have to enumerate them, I may just cry! I have also encountered areas of me that did not grow up and very much “madrama”. In the end, I learned how to balance being me… (and part of that is still madrama sweetheart!)… and how to express it in a healthy way. I thought, I’d be spending my holidays with my boo, but I guess its not yet the time. (Miracles take some timeeee!) In fact, he is not with me today! He is off somewhere on a vacay… T_T But, it’s alright. We have chosen to just go gaze at the moon when the clock strikes 12. Oh please weather be good! I miss him. It was also this year that I got my first ever bouquet from a guy!!!(and from boo pa!!!) *soooooo kilig* And i got two babies: Boobear and Boocholit!!! This year also we had our first year anniversary as TsulitTeam! ❀ and our 2nd year anniversary since the day we met! It was also my first time to cook up a birthday surprise to someone I love! It was funnnn!!!! ❀

Family….. this year brought us closer together with all that has been happening. It has been a sweet, meaningful, intimate Christmas with just us and the whole household celebrating. We also gained a new addition to the family: Woody! Who also gave us a scare for a good five days because he got lotst. Good thing the angels brought him back!! he is the yin to our yang! Huwaaaa!!! He is absolutely friendly! Darlene alsooo got to travel with us! The best!

Our Community, has gone through a bump, which challenged beliefs and relationships.. and where we really stand in our mission to contribute to our community, city, Philippines, Asia and the world. I think this year was more of introspection… albeit all the events together… but different soulful journey to each and everyone.

A lot of friends came and a lot left town and out of the country.

This year was definitely filled with engagements! My facebook is flooded with feeds of rings on fingers. Which is a wonderful sign! That means, most of my friends are actually living their dreams. aside from all the celebrities that got engaged and married (one being my favorite… dong and marian. not because its hyped up like it is… but because of how their relationship really stood the test of time.) Also, the day they were engaged, they had a dinner at the same restaurant we were in… and it was another [insert twilight zone music here] affirmation. Affirmation, that everyone is gearing up for their next level in relationships.

At the beginning of the year… I did a financial timeline to my 5 cousins (young-uns) and I’m happy to see 2 of them are actually working on it as I write. And has been handling their finances creatively. I have also got reports and random messages about how they are grateful they have cleared up their liabilities and started to take on their savings.

I also experienced Bagyong Glenda…. in Manila, having my flight cancelled… and another one having my flight rebooked because of Bagyong Ruby.

It was also this year that I entered a dance club but only this time it was back to the 80’s themed! It was absolutely fun! I have my boo to thank for pushing me to enjoy! (Although, I would have preferred he was with me:P)

Also, this year Ate Honey commented I improved in my speaking/workshop craft! Whoopeee! More confident and a bit grown up whoopee! *somersaults*

It was my first to do yoga for almost 2 months. Usually, I do it intermittently. But, along the road it got lost and sooo once again… im bringing it back up on schedule.

I also got to catch up with Lola B, Kathy, Ate Grace whom I haven’t seen for ages!!!! It was refreshing to see them! Also caught up with other friends: Resh, Ate Riz, Ate Jolly, JV, Ana…. among others….

Global:

A lot of things happened that are of concern to me. First off, the planes that went missing, the plane crashes, it was a weird statistics this year. Also Vietnam noted it was a weird year of accidents too. I also learned a lot of things during my two trips. This time, I actually listened well in between my rest! The ongoing global unrest and want of greed and more power, and thus igniting wars.

Philippines on one hand, exposed a lot of corrupt individuals, even though there isn’t much, the fact that they are under public scrutiny is a big change already.

Despite this, there are many things to learn; that amidst all these chaos, one day there will be order. In between all the pain and heartbreaks, and challenges… your real power .. that which is within you… called Love.. will emerge… and then it will soar…

All in all, I am grateful for all the blessings, the insights, the loving memories, the challenges and the growth that came after this year.

Thank you for 2014. πŸ™‚

Milestones of 2014:

TsulitTeam: TsulitTeam movie dates, spontaneous dates, mornings and midnight conversations, 1st TsulitTeam Anniversary, 2nd Anniversary (day we met)

Weddings: Paul & ate Krang

Heart Council Sessions: 10

Travels: Kidapawan: (3), Eden (2), Panabo (1), Manila (6), Cebu (1), South Korea (1), Vietnam (1)
Beach: 4 times lang??!!!
Workshops/ Training Conducted: Heart Quest batch 5, Stages of Courtship, Special Session: 7 Qualities of Master Achievers, Back to Base 6, Heart of Networking (4x), Success Mastery
New Friends: Churchille, Dana, Ish

Workshops Attended: Rich Dad Cashflow @ SM Lanang, Way of a Healer, Meet Your Angels Workshop, BARS
Ideas that were Rapid Prototyped: Coffee Party, Back to Base 6, Love Sessions with The Maria’s (Love Salon -I am Maria Session),

New Inaanaks: Baby Adi, Baby Tori,

Baby Shower: Fraiche

Just a little extra goes a long way

After having dinner with Lola Bebot at Yellowcab (which is another story i will recount one of these days),Darlene told us a story of a girl…

She was a crew in yellowcab and Darlene saw her while she was about to go to the comfort room. She sensed something was up and saw the lady looking at her magic space(according to Coelho.. A space where you usually focus your attention onto.. You can read it in his book Valkyries) and looking forlorn.

Darlene went back to where we were seated and battled on whether to comfort the stranger and was clearing herself of her intention: was it to look good? Or the need to rescue or was it a call to be just there. After a series of deep breathing, she chose the latter. She went back to the lady and gently approached her and asked her: “Can i hug you? You look sad and you might need a hug..” And the girl nodded and darlene hugged her. The girl started crying and Darlene kept assuring her: its okay, whatever shes going through.. She can do it.

Darlene need not know the details but clearly the girl needed support at that time. After a few moments she guided the girl by gently having slow deep breaths…. while clearing the space.

And she calmed down.

I told her: it was the right thing to do and that im happy she did it and i was inspired… And told her.. “See, you are such an angel”

While walking across the grocery, just seconds after Darlene finished the story.. In front of us was a little girl wearing a bunny shirt who reached out her hand to Darlene first.. Wanting to touch her… And we all smiled and Darlene placed her hand at the bottom palms up… Then the baby reached her hand out to mom and then to me… And we touched her too. And we all giggled.. And exclaimed.. Because we didnt do anything.. The kid simply called our attention at that moment. The dad just simply stared amused at three giggling strangers.

We were about to leave when the baby reached her left hand out again to reach for Darlene, then mom and me. She did it three times. When the baby’s mom arrived she smiled… Wondering: what in the world is going on? But then it was her baby reaching out… Then it stopped and they left after waving bye bye. And i told the baby: See you angel! πŸ˜‡

I told both mom and Darlene.. I think the angels are affirming us.. What you did was just right and it was a “job well done” earth angel tap in the hand.πŸŒˆπŸ’

And you know what it means when messages arrives in three’s.

I told darlene to write her own version… But i am also compelled to write my own version…

We are all here for one another.. May the person be a stranger, family, friend or even enemy.

Sometimes… The angels we know can be just inside of us… And its the best angel you can count on first.

And nothing could ever go wrong when you act with love. It is not normal to reach out to strangers.. We were taught to fear them.. We were even taught not to trust people we know as friends along the way..

But eventhough the world and the people we trust and love can hurt us… God never failed to send his angels.. to you..

Sometimes God sends angels in the form of strangers or family or friends.
Sometimes they are there for a second, a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year, even years…. a lifetime and many lifetimes.

Everyone is in fact an angel to one another… And really the world can be heaven on earth if we practice kindness everyday…

Not just strangers…

If strangers can bring relief the way darlene did to the girl… Imagine if we practice that to the ones we love.

Specially to the ones we love. They need our kindness more… Not your estrangement. They need your understanding more than your judgment and your need to be right. They need your hug and your care specially in the moments when its becoming hard to love them, specially when they make you crazy mad!!😠😀

All they need is your love and care… Your extra kindness… Because what makes extraordinary days.. Extraordinary? Is the extra you give it…
Extra love, extra care, extra kindness, extra forgiveness, extra patience… Never be afraid to add a little extra… To go the extra mile… You never lose that way.. You just gain.

So give that extra… to the ordinary… And see the magic and love all around you..
πŸ˜‡πŸ˜πŸ˜˜β€οΈβ˜ΊοΈπŸ˜ŠπŸŒˆ

Oopsie its Thanksgiving nga pala!!

Here’s a thank you to everyone who has been an angel to me.. Strangers or not…(you all have been tagged in facebook because you have inspired me in some way.. And showed me lessons.. Good or bad)

And im really grateful to God whose love and guidance never fails.. Eventhough on moments i may not understand.. Thank you for always assuring me that everything is working out according to your Plan…

I have surrendered my life to you long ago… I realize now, i never should stop because there are still mountains to climb, valleys to walk on to, countries to explore.., seas to dive into, waves to enjoy…. Sunshine, rainbows and butterflies…. And the world needs me to live my life 100 percent.. Wholeheartedly.

Love,

Liberty

I know there are moments that i am impatient and stubborn… But my journey the past year has taught me a great deal ❀️

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Winning Moves: My Number One Fan

Throughout my whole life, I can truly say I am blessed with a very loving partner.

Here’s one of the reasons:

He is my number one fan. One reason, why I noticed him was when he said: he reads my blog. And not just my blogs! All of my blogs!That turned my head big-time! Nobody reads my blog unless I push the person to read it (or no one that I know of). Nobody ventures my blog if I don’t post it on facebook or mention it in any social media sites. Unless you count my aunts who loves to comment on the phone about what I wrote in my blog. πŸ˜› But, this got to me. And then, whenever I do my workshops or after every workshops and I tell him about my day, he cheers on me and that he loves to see me do it and that he supports me. That’s double awwww.

There are many things that makes me feel blessed with my boo-friend but then… One of his best.. Is being my number one fan… β€πŸ˜πŸŽŠπŸŽ‰

Grateful. Always grateful to be blessed with him ❀

Sitting with Pain

One sunny morning, I saw Pain sitting on a bench.. all alone. He was staring into the horizon. I felt pain as I was watching him from afar.

My mind told me to ignore pain, my body told me to kill it… but my heart… surprisingly told me… to approach… Pain.

It was a constant battle. And it left me….. wanting to numb myself from pain. But, then there’s a voice deep inside the recess of my soul telling me: “Go… approach pain… learn from him. He is a friend. Don’t make him suffer.”

And so, I started to proceed with caution… on my first step towards pain.. I felt it trying to rip my heart out…. on my second step.. i felt pain.. and a lump in my throat wanting to vomit my heart out.

I stopped momentarily to catch my breath. Hesitating… wanting to go back to my comfort zone.. where I can feel pain.. but barely.

There’s a list to masks of comfort if i took five steps backward, there’s chocolate, music, vanilla ice cream, strawberry milkshakes, choco warm cups, alcohol, parties, movies or books that can make your heart give a sorry excuse for tears to flow out… and the list goes on and on.

I took another deep breath, as I battle between wanting to approach pain… or avoiding it.

And I took the unimaginable….. I took another step towards Pain. And a scream came out of my mouth…. I tried to muffle it… but there are no pillows to drown the sound.. and tears came flooding…. my walls are breaking….

“You can’t do it. You’ll die if you go any further”, says the body.

“It’s unwise to muddle closely to pain… look! You are a mess!” says the mind.

“Just go… feel the pain.. take another step…. and you will see….”, says the heart.

With a dose of courage, this time, I ignored the body and the mind and listened to my heart.

I took my fourth step…. *hiccups* as my screams stopped… and my crying slowly came to an end…. *sniff sniff*

My heart told me to take a deep breath…. *inhales and exhales*…. I began to calm down. There’s silence…..

I took my fifth step… and I came face to face with Pain.

And he looked up at me… with a broken smile.

“Hello there, my friend. I thought you’d give up at the third step…….”, Pain said.

“I was about to…..” I replied.

“Come, sit beside me.” He said, and gestured to a space beside him in the bench.

I settled down. We were both silent for awhile watching the horizon. Each consumed in our magical space.

Breaking the silence…. I asked…. “Why, do we need to feel pain? It is very excruciating!!”

“Am I?” He inquired with a grin.

“Yes, you are!” I replied. “I felt you… it makes me want to eject my heart… it makes me scream… it…” my voice trailed on…

“You need to feel those…. because I bring a message to you. If you experience me… then there’s a message.” Pain answered.

“What message is that?” I asked.

“What do you think? Why do you experience me?” He asked back. “Maybe, you should try to look back…. to moments as to whenever you feel pain.. and what’s the reason behind it…”

I looked back and tried to remember. “I feel pain… when I feel I’m not loved. Or someone betrayed me. Or I was vulnerable and then someone would unconsciously hurt me…whenever I am.. rejected…when i experience loss… shame… guilt…. fear….when i am being asked to go away….”

“Yes, and there’s a message I am bringing…”, Pain agreed. “Can’t you see that in all those moments, you are experiencing fear instead of love? I arrive, to remind you… about love.”

“Love? But, I feel pain!” I stressed out.

“Exactly! You feel me, because in those moments… you have abandoned love. You left it’s threshold. I don’t stem from the love that others have denied you….but rather from the love that you deny them.” Pain explained

“The love that I have denied them? But, it is them that denied me!”, I stated

“Yes. They denied you. But, it is your own denial of love… that hurts you most. But, you won’t experience pain…. when you go back to Love. That their actions are merely a call for love. When you took the fourth step, you forgot about what you have been denied, you also forgot how to mask the hurt that you are feeling… but you entered the place of clarity. The space in between pain, when you pause for a moment. When the mind shuts down, when you get past pain…. you enter that “pause”. And everything becomes clear. And that you were sure that you loved. And as you start to love…. you release me. We release one another.” Pain answered.

“Yes, I can remember moments that I am comforted in between the pain. But, how come I cannot stay there?… when my mind wakes up… I panic!” I admitted exhausted.

“It is a constant battle, yes.And always with the mind, and your emotions. But emotions are fleeting… and not permanent. But, that would make you stronger if you stop numbing me. When you suffer…. I suffer… and then your most basic reaction is to numb me. Some with the help of drugs, others by barking and projecting their anger on other people. The worst? Is never allowing yourself to feel vulnerable. Or to stop loving. To vow to never let another enter your heart. Denial of Love.” – Pain explained. “But, remember? Before a caterpillar becomes a butterfly? It has to reject all the old worm cells that would keep her from being a butterfly. There’s always a battle. Chaos. Conflict. But, then when you get through the fire….. you gain access to my wisdom…. like now.”

“My mind cannot fathom why such Love could be denied…. but my heart can sense… that it is so…and that sometimes things has to happen this way.. and that I and I alone can release the pain… regardless of whether the story continues, ends or begins the way I want it to.. ” I reflected.

“Uh-huh. Now, you are getting it. Slowly.” Pain agreed. “There are many things you can learn from me. ANd one is the beauty of uncertainty. And to let go of control when you love… and to release all expectations.. .and just Be Love. to your partner… specially to yourself. That’s the best gift.”

I took a deep breath. Relieved. Having this tiny moment of clarity. I chose to write my conversation… because should I experience Pain again… I can be reminded… that Pain is a friend… and one needs to set Pain free… so I can freely love..and that pain need not suffer.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” – Mother Teresa

And once you enter the threshold of pain….. you actually realize that behind it is Love….

“I want to know if you’ve touched the center of your own sorrow, if you’ve been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.” Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I guess what I just did… was being in touch with the center of my sorrow and pain….

and when I surrendered to Love….

β€œSomething amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.”- Marianne Williamson

 

And having the realizations I have…. I turned towards Pain and uttered:

“Hey…”

But, when I glanced beside me…. Pain was disappearing… slowly dissolving… as it gave me a warm smile…. Just before vanishing… Pain pointed towards the horizon….and before Pain disappeared… I smiled and said: “Thanks”

Tears fell from my eyes… grateful. Liquid prayers. And when I looked towards the horizon… I saw the rainbow.

And it’s a signal of hope, love and promises fulfilled….

May Love and Hope be yours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blessed in Receiving

A week ago, I learned a very important lesson in Receiving.

I was on our HQ talking to our business developers, when the Service Center Operations Manager told me to talk to a customer who wants to buy Roselle at a discount price. They’re requesting to use my number instead. Of course, I did the usual interview to make sure she wasn’t sent by another leader. And she said she doesn’t have any contact with the supplier and all that and we kept asking to have her number at least and she said she doesn’t know.

Clearly, this lead was being sent to me. Out of all people, why this time and why me?

In most cases, i would have given it to the leaders who may need it most but then i am reminded.. I am as worthy as them to receive and I shouldnt turn away providence… Because have I not been asking for this all along?

So while on conversation with Tita Tere… I was also having a conversation with myself and my response to receiving.

And that I should receive what has been given to me and not give it away.

At the same time, ive been receiving support from Boo when it comes to looking for a hospital in the vicinity. Normally, I would have fend off myself but it pays to listen to him(my angel) since he recommends the best and would never place myself on a very tight spot.

And earlier this week, I met a new found friend who asked me to guide her in her angel reading. She’s very enthusiastic, andΒ  a giver like me. She prepared lunch and showed me her fantastic bamboo balcony with the awesome view of Mt. Apo! She then showered me with gifts. Huwaaaaa. She gave me some imported bubblegum, a sage and ordered a crystal necklace online. Awesome! I am blessed as I receive.

My whole life has been focused on giving that sometimes it stops there because I never allow myself to receive. And these moments are a stark reminder that I am now receiving God’s blessings in different forms.