I may not be around because my presence is not helping you anymore….. but Im sending you waves of love from my end.
Ill always be here for you when you need someone to support you.
I love you always.
I may not be around because my presence is not helping you anymore….. but Im sending you waves of love from my end.
Ill always be here for you when you need someone to support you.
I love you always.
haha. I dont know what title i should place… I still don’t have the photos of my day.. But i had a fun time with my sisterettes from another Mudra!
Normally, I would decline such invites… But, today is not a normal day!
And, I thank God and angels for giving me a venue where I can pro-actively divert my sadness and energy to something else.
I shall share my insights about it on my next post…
Here’s a view of the Majestic Apo… And where I was today!
And ta-da! Here’s my theme for 2016!
Usually, I would write a series of what my year will be…. but having gone through a lot of things last year and how uncertain life can be…
This year, I want to make it simple.
I just want to experience God’s Blessing.
In every way, I just want to experience HIS miracles. I want to recognize them. So, this year, I’m dropping all my plans… and I will just TRUST and SURRENDER to what GOD has in store for me.
So, Lord…. I let go of my need to control… I am consciously allowing YOU to happen to me!
Love and Magical Kisses from one of your earth angels slash mermaid,
2015 was a bit of a challenge for me, in all ways. It tested me to the point it left me stunted, a bit depressed, unwilling to move. I wanted to. But, by the middle of it, I wanted to design my life and re-create it, but I could not get myself to do it. I tried being hard on myself, tried wallowing in self pity, being madrama, I tried to feel every moment. It left me scarred. But, I know the light is still glimmering. There are moments of love and laughter amidst everything. But, there were also moments of despair.
I am still refining what I really wanted in my life. One thing is for sure, I want to raise my own family and become the best wife and mother that I can be. But, that couldn’t happen if I am not ready, nor if my future partner in life is also ready. That is the one thing I am sure of.
But, other than that? Career path? Doing my life’s work?I have devoted myself to journey with every person I meet that I will be one of their supporters in their journey back to Love. Little did I know, I shall be also in the flow of it. It was a constant dance, away from Love, and going back to Love.
What transpired the last months of the year 2015 is the realization that: Anything could happen. IN the blink of an eye, God can come and take you away. Whether you’ve done your life’s work or not. No matter how hard you bargain. Also, it is with God’s grace that you live. And how would you choose to live today.
I am suddenly remembered by a statement of Sister Fidelis, that in the after life, God won’t ask us how many projects we’ve done for the world, or how many people we helped…. but God will only ask us one question: HOW WELL DID YOU LOVE?
Did you love wholeheartedly? Or did you hold back? Did you stop loving because you feared? Or you just tried to numb yourself.
I shall always always remember that statement. And of course it is a good match with: You never lose by LOVING.
Of course, there are moments that it is challenging to practice that Love. Because, my ego mind loves to interfere, but I’m doing my very best to be friends with my ego … although there are my moments that I hate how I react to such things… such as… being selosa, being irritable or cranky, unable to take a joke, pikon and a whole lot of things.
All I ask always, is the guidance from the Divine…. and to SURRENDER all my need to control. 🙂
Lord, I surrender all my burdens and worries to you. I know you have always taken care of me, my family, my boo and friends. May I recognize the miracle in everyday, and to always just choose Love.
*sigh* I miss my dad so much, that it brings me tears at night whenever I remember him. It was always my dream for my dad to see his apo’s and his son-in-law one day. No, he didn’t even catch a glimpse of him. 😦 But, my dad despite his lack of words, showed us in his own way, how not to be judgmental. You can always be you and well he’d be mad but he was never one to keep grudges. T_T He was the best example of unconditional love and BEING-ness. Having him around and just hearing you talk.
It was also this year I experienced how to receive support and help from other people. After Papa left…. a lot of people were there and supported us every step of the way. Thank you dear Lord, for never leaving our side. They were there when we need them the most. 🙂
After dad’s death, I was unable to bring myself to write in my Happiness Jar… but here is what I came up with:
Jan 1: Spent time with family. Grateful for the first day of 2015. Wonderful Weather. Healthy Family. The gift of Silence. Me time. Peace. Released. Calm. Love. Boo is crusing and is out of reach, and the angels gave me a card reading today that said: “Your Loved Ones are Safe”. I am assured Boo is safe and sound. 🙂
Jan 2: Today I am grateful that I have an energy exchange from Mom. A family of three also visited the center today and bought 40k worth of products after the health reading! I see this as a sign of things to come!! How does it get any better than this?
Jan 3: GRATEFUL for today! I finally heard from BOO but didnt caught up with him just yet! But happy that he sounds fine… and found a moment to steal some wifi access.
Jan 8: Met Avy and Nessa and did card readings for them. Grateful that a lady inquired in the middle and asked to have hers read soon.
Jan 14: Thankful for my first BEHT client today!! How does it get any better than this?
Jan 21: put your ear down by your HEART and Listen Hard.
Jan 22: Wow! I received my Php 1,350 today from my 3 clients in BEHT! How does it get any better than this?
Jan 27: Today is a happy day with MichaelBoo. I really enjoyed making lambing to him. I love it!! We talked about calls, love, marriage.. tennis, and *wink wink*.
Jan 28: Tribe of Love @ our home, so papa can join in on us and see us meeting. Full house with lots of food. I made the beef tapa today! Woot woot!
feb 4: Its a full moon and we had our MasterMind @ Bahay Kubo.. The Avila’s place. I imagined that I was with Boo and we are together dancing underneath the moonlight! What a day! Today we watched the Shift with the community. “Just be there… Pay attention… .and Magic happens…” =)
Feb 5 2015: Huwaw! Boo’s card arrived today! Happiness! Can’t open it pa! Today I also went to the dentist and it is a win that I’m over my fear of dentists, Mom need not accompany me! I also had a date with Ate Ana @ the Echo Store. I am blessed today!
Feb 9: Today I went out with my Papa. He often loves to join us when we go out of the home. Today, he was game enough to accompany me with my errands. We went to Ate Gyne’s to fetch the Kangen, hatid Paolo at school. and then I visited the post office to follow up on my package, and then I dropped by at a surplus shop where I found an MK bag I have always wanted. Then, I urged my dad to come down and take a look inside since there’s not much people anyway. And he went to the slippers area. He loves slippers! And then I bought the bag and my papa was grinning and wanted a red slipper…. so, I told him sure!! I will get that for you of course! And then I wanted to give my Papa a treat and told him: You want to eat the ice cream Pope ate at the aircraft that is made in the Philippines? And he said: Sure! And so, I bought him the strawberry flavored to which he shared with mom and me at home. 🙂 One of the best days with my Papa. 🙂
Feb13: Boo gave me a sweet amethyst necklace. 2 cards. And he cooked the same breakfast I had today. And even made me spaghetti!!! He is the sweetest! And he took a day off!!! *blushes* We watched 3 idiots. My family was also complete for the dinner!!! Best!
Feb 14: How does it get any better than this? Boo gave me a bouquet of flowers and our third BOOBABY!! Boobwhit is the name! So kyootipay!! Lovely lovely flowers. *blushes* Although he got sick today 😦 But he did his best to be with me…. *hugsBooTight*
Feb 15: Happy Birthday Darlene!!!
Feb 18: Papas Birthday! we had Lamb today!! For Papa! And everyone in the Tribe of Love was present. It was a full house full of fun and laughter. And they sang the Old Lang Syne to my Papa. Good thing I recorded that one!
March 18: While traveling, and waiting for our Bacolod flight in Cebu, Tito Devin and Tita Letty fetched us and took us for lunch at Casa Verde one of the oldest restaurants they have. They have the most generous family in Cebu I know!
March 26: Mom wanted a celebration at home. I bought mom a luggage!! Since she always wanted to have one that is not too large or too small. Papa, also took me on the side the other day and asked me to buy white and pink stargazers for mom as his gift (sweeet!!) (aside from mom’s shopping spree for the day!). It is also their Wedding Anniversary. And they celebrated it with just as and the rest of our household. 🙂
April 27: God gave us an angel in the form of Tita Angie who accompanied us at Camp Aguinaldo, even though it is her birthday today. 🙂
July 28: Happy Birthday Paolooo!!
Sept 24: Happy Birthday Boooo!!
Oct 13: Boo reminded that its my favorite day today and we watched: The Croods and Inside Out!!! Best day ever! As always with Boo.
Oct. 16-17 2015: *made **** today with Boo 😛 in Tagalog. Haha. Stayed up till 12:49 am that;s3:49am. He shared me stories and it was an intimate and loving conversation. I felt so loved.
Nov9 2015: watched 3 movies today with Boo: The Maze Runner, The American President and Beetlejuice. It was lovely. He is the best with Quality Time!!! *hugshugs* I miss Papa though.. I still think fondly of him.
dec 21: Im like a princess or Miss Universe… being crowned today!! Becauseeeee right after the Miss Universe Pageant, a mail arrived from my Boo… huwaaaaa… and I got a CATS beanie! I did not expect that!!! OMG I was so surprised. My Boo sure is supported with the angels and his Timing!
In a nutshell and milestones of 2015:
TSULITTEAM: Lovely days, he makes breakfast for me, waking him up in the morning, making breakfast for him, accompanies me during events, ensures that I get home safely, takes care of me, on moments he sleeps on mewhenever we watch dark movies, celebrated our 3rd year since the day we first met, celebrated our 2nd year in YM and the beginning of our journey together as TsulitTeam, watches movies and series with me, cuddling, supporting one another, listening and understanding one another, loving and just loving……
Movies: How To Train Your Dragon, Call Center Girl, Pirates of The Carribean ON stranger Tides, Addicted, The Visit,
Series watched with Boo: Game of Thrones, Scandal
Travels: Zamboanga City, Cebu City, Cagayan De Oro City(2), Pagadian City, Cadiz City, Metro Manila(4), Batangas City. Samal, Ozamis City, Iligan City(2), Butuan City, Sta. Maria (Little Boracay), Baguio City, Santiago (Isabela) (2), Rizal(2), Tagum City, Bat Cave and Vanishing Island – Samal, Cavite City(2), Urdaneta City, Balanga, Bataan, Laguna,
Workshops Conducted: Heart of Networking: 7 Heart of a Leader: 8 5 Love Languages: 1 MasterMind Workshop: 1
Workshops Staffed: Ikepono: One weekend
Workshops Attended: Enneagram With Sister Fidelis
Ate Something New: Satti (as recommended by Boo),
Weddings Attended: 3
BIG EVENT: Hosted @ MOA ARENA 🙂 with 3K people 🙂
Eventss Supported: Philippine Eagle Family Day, Prosperity Consciousness Day, Cycle for Life (registration), A day to Change the World, Bazaar for A Cause, Tribute of Tito Leo (registration)
Angels met: RC, Ate Grace, Ate Kathy, Kuya Chad Laurente, Cristina, Shrijaya,
My Angels and Crystals Online Shop was also born during the bazaar last August 13, 2015 🙂
Mutant Academy School of Ninja Turtles was also born August 2015
I wasn’t able to document that much this year…. however I wished to document more this coming year…. 🙂
There is one dance we have in this Earth and this is our dance in staying in Love, and our journey away from it. I have been in the flow, think of rivers and tides, getting pulled back by Fear and then moving forward in Love.
The description is poetic, but the moment that thing happens is the least moment I’d want to stay in. But, then it happens. And as it happens, all I know is to stay in the present and let the tears flow like liquid prayers.
The past few months, I find myself crying myself to sleep. And, I couldn’t figure out why and if I pinpoint the reasons, there could be five or six that I can think of. But, more so, I feel it is my soul aching. Aching to do what it wants. It is my soul desiring to love and be loved, to be seen and be appreciated. Even though, I never lacked that growing up, but there’s this threshold that my soul wants to enter, that I cannot reach alone.
Call me maarte or ma-drama, but that is what I want.
Tonight, I don’t want to lament or torment myself of how I am kind of a wee bit far from the place I want to be. There were fleeting moments I’d see glimpses of the possibilities of what lies ahead,and I am truly thankful to God for those moments.
Tonight, I just want to cast out my desires….
I want you to hold my hand, and maintain contact, to speak even without words but through the slightest of touch or if you are not around send me your waves of love even in times I am not loving at all.
I want you, gentle enough to understand me during my crazy moments and whose love will not waver at the slightest rock and movement of the boat.
I want you, not to give up. I want you not to dismiss my feelings but honor and appreciate them as it happens.
Yes, you won’t be perfect. And I will always always do my part to understand you.
Yes, you won’t be sending me the same love I would be giving you. I am not asking you to out-give me. I am simply asking you to be vulnerable enough to feel and join me in this journey.
I want you to hug me when I am hysterical. You don’t really need to spoil me by doing whatever it is that I want. All I want is a simple smile from you and that love that emanates from you telling me you would never abandon me or ask me to go away.
I also want you to be brave enough to tell me what you see in me that I do or say that hurts you or invalidates you. I want you to be transparent to me.
I don’t want you to be scared to tell me the truth.
I want you to TRUST me. I want you not to put up walls when I ask uncomfortable questions. I want you to understand me, that the reason I ask, was for me to know you more and understand you not because I am doubting you.
I want you to be safe in my arms as I hold your precious dreams and desires close to my heart.
I want to be your well of admiration, appreciation and love. I want you to relax in me.
I want you to know I am your ally.
I want to support you achieve your highest version of yourself as you support mine.
I want our partnership to grow with Christ in our midst.
I want to sleep in your arms.
I want you to choose Love not once, not twice but everyday even if it’s hard. But, on moments you fall hard, I will be there with you and be patient with you as you grow into the partnership with me.
The ride won’t be easy. It won’t be always unicorns and rainbows, even though I always paint you scenarios of that. We will go through walls and thorns and fight dragons if we have to. And just Trust in the our Love that over flows from one another.
I want you to love me not because you lack… but because you are so full of it. I have always loved you from an overflow, and when my love tank’s level goes low, I want you to recognize it as a temporary moment.
That, what I need from you is just your arms around me, telling me everything will be alright. You don’t need to have a solution every time.
I want to hear you say: Please stay with me. I don’t want to lose you. Not to be dependent on me or not because you are in need of me. But, because you know you don’t need me, but you want me to be with you.
I want you to never stop showing me how much I mean to you.
I want a love that rewards instead of punishes when one fails or stumbles.
I want you to know my weakness, and trust you enough that you won’t take advantage of it. As i honor yours.
I want you to know, that no matter what happens, you have me. I am your partner, your lover, your sister, your mother, your goddess, your queen, your Shekinah, who will be with you every step of the way and yet wise enough to give you space to grow on your own whenever necessary.
I want you to be comforted in the knowing that I accept you just the way you are. Warts and all.
I know all good things take time. I am not asking the heavens to hurry up.
I just wanted to be in touch with my soul and be really clear of what I want to experience in the relationship I choose to be in. In the relationship that I deserve to be in.
Maybe, God is still preparing you. Or maybe I am not ready for you.
I will be here waiting for you.
I don’t know how to begin this, but I feel I ought to write something.
I couldn’t even bear saying it…. but I have to… my Dad chose to go as soon as a little bit past 12midnight on April 6, 2015.
We were in the ICU but outside the room of my Dad when it happened…. and everything was just so unreal to me. But, I couldn’t say those aloud because my mom was being hysterical. It’s like when he was being revived…. i began to find ways that what was happening was unreal.
Until now, I can’t seem to believe it’s real. I still find myself crying whenever I’m alone… because I miss him.
But, I sense the loss whenever I go home. He would always be beside the piano, or in front of the tv, or beside the kitchen table drinking his meds or inside their room sleeping.
It’s very painful because I always dreamed papa to be with us for a long time. For him, to see me married and for him to see his grandsons or granddaughters one day.
Truth be told, I got scared when we took him to the hospital. My mom was already crying, and it’s unusual, because we’ve been to hospitals with my dad whenever he got stroke but it would always be calm. But, this time… mama was crying. I also got scared when I saw him being “intubated” (I dont know if that’s the right term). I just stood there… scared. Not knowing what to do. T_T I don’t want to see my papa having a hard time.
When he was transferred to the ICU and was able to rest while his vital signs are being monitored and stabilized. I felt better because I saw and believed everything to be okay. Although, the heart rate 143 was a high one… it was the last heart rate we saw before we left the hospital to go get the papers needed. I believed Papa was sending out a message: “I love you” and I pointed it out to mom .. and we both said: We love you Papa.
But, arriving home.. I felt the sting.. the emptiness. And i sobbed hard. But, I didn’t want to believe it. So, I prayed for God’s grace. And that I know everything that is happening…. is left unto Him. And then we got a call that my Dad’s BP went up and it was good news.
We left home as soon as we got what we needed and rushed back to the hospital. As soon as we settled to the “Watcher’s Lounge”. The ICU doctor called our attention and said that my dad’s BP went down again and he is in a critical condition. My mom bawled and panicked. I cannot panic, and was busy reassuring her. Then we went to the lounge again… having mixed emotions…. scared… hopeful… pleading that my dad would be alright. A few minutes after…. we were called in and the doctor said… my dad has no vital signs whatsoever and that they were trying to revive him.
We stood outside immobilized. Not wanting to accept what was happening… because it was way too soon. Not this soon. T_T And then we braved our way inside and saw 2 doctors and 3 nurses. Mom rushed inside and held his feet. I couldn’t even bear going near him. It was too painful to me. The doctors were talking to us… but it seemed what they were saying were pretty alien to me. We were in shock. This happens to movies. Not real life. Not this soon.
I lost my papa. I thought I’d have a lot of time with him. I thought he’d be with us for a long long time…….
It’s a Rainbow Day!!!
My special day has arrived!
I celebrated it with my biological family and my family here at home and of course my Boo!
It was a wonderful day!
Boo, came up with a sweet birthday countdown on his facebook wall, which I found adorable. His surprises, came a wee bit early but I didn’t open the package and opted to open it today! (eventhough, I was excited and itching to really open it).
And when I did… ta-da! I got not only one card.. but two!! And a sweet amethyst necklace. It was absolutely one of the sweetest things I got from my Boo! I couldn’t help but blush and just bask underneath his love rays as he beamed and blushed from receiving my response. I couldn’t help but notice his excitement, to which I really find endearing and sweet. I feel like twirling around in a field of daisies or maybe lavenders and then capping it off by sharing a sweet wine with him! How does it get any better than this?
He, also took his time off from work, to which I told him it’s not necessary, we will just find time, but he insisted he wants to spend his time with me, after finding out I did not plan to have a party at all. He also cooked chicken tocino for breakfast, because that was what I was having and cooked an impromptu spaghetti to wish me fun filled long life! We watched 3 idiots together! Another one of my wish list with him! So one down, and many more to go! *winks @ boo* It was not a good idea to watch a foreign film while we are apart, because I can’t make “kulit” since we have to pay attention to the subtitles or otherwise we’d miss parts of the movie! Nevertheless, it was lovely.
During dinnertime, I spent it with my family. The two kids at home were absolutely adorable. Jesse, woke me up and hugged me to wish a Happy Birthday. KZ, gave me her blue guitar keychain. It was sweet! Darlene also came home even though she has her pre-board tomorrow. I really appreciated her effort. She’s the best sister ever!
My phone and facebook wall were filled with well-wishes to those who remembered. I did not ask for my birthday to be alerted when it comes. But, I still enjoyed a few wall posts from friends who remembered. I loved all of it.
I am just thankful for this day. Thankful for God, for the moments and days I spend and the gift called- Life. I am excited for another wonderful year of living life with Love and Light. Always choosing kindness. Even though, there are times I stumble, I procrastinate, going through bad days, releasing my dark side, it’s not perfect…. but I am in the process of simply unveiling what God has given me.
I am also thankful with my family, who has always been there for me and who supports me in my Highest Good and for my own Well-Being. For my Boo, who told me in his sweet way, that he will be with me through my ups and downs and in the many years ahead. That was the sweetest you’ve said sweetheart! For my Ilawod Family, who continue to help light my flame and inspire me. For my DXN Friends, I am Maria, Readers Council, Mission Family, Childhood friends, High school buds, and College chums…. Thank you for staying with me and inspiring me. And to the people that irks me… thank you for always keeping me in check and in balance. You have helped me grown a lot!
All of life comes to me with ease and joy and glory.
Rainbows and roses,