Journey back to Love

There is one dance we have in this Earth and this is our dance in staying in Love, and our journey away from it. I have been in the flow, think of rivers and tides, getting pulled back by Fear and then moving forward in Love.

The description is poetic, but the moment that thing happens is the least moment I’d want to stay in. But, then it happens. And as it happens, all I know is to stay in the present and let the tears flow like liquid prayers.

The past few months, I find myself crying myself to sleep. And, I couldn’t figure out why and if I pinpoint the reasons, there could be five or six that I can think of. But, more so, I feel it is my soul aching. Aching to do what it wants. It is my soul desiring to love and be loved, to be seen and be appreciated. Even though, I never lacked that growing up, but there’s this threshold that my soul wants to enter, that I cannot reach alone.

Call me maarte or ma-drama, but that is what I want.

Tonight, I don’t want to lament or torment myself of how I am kind of a wee bit far from the place I want to be. There were fleeting moments I’d see glimpses of the possibilities of what lies ahead,and I am truly thankful to God for those moments.

Tonight, I just want to cast out my desires….

I want you to hold my hand, and maintain contact, to speak even without words but through the slightest of touch or if you are not around send me your waves of love even in times I am not loving at all.

I want you, gentle enough to understand me during my crazy moments and whose love will not waver at the slightest rock and movement of the boat.

I want you, not to give up. I want you not to dismiss my feelings but honor and appreciate them as it happens.

Yes, you won’t be perfect. And I will always always do my part to understand you.

Yes, you won’t be sending me the same love I would be giving you. I am not asking you to out-give me. I am simply asking you to be vulnerable enough to feel and join me in this journey.

I want you to hug me when I am hysterical. You don’t really need to spoil me by doing whatever it is that I want. All I want is a simple smile from you and that love that emanates from you telling me you would never abandon me or ask me to go away.

I also want you to be brave enough to tell me what you see in me that I do or say that hurts you or invalidates you. I want you to be transparent to me.

I don’t want you to be scared to tell me the truth.

I want you to TRUST me. I want you not to put up walls when I ask uncomfortable questions. I want you to understand me, that the reason I ask, was for me to know you more and understand you not because I am doubting you.

I want you to be safe in my arms as I hold your precious dreams and desires close to my heart.

I want to be your well of admiration, appreciation and love. I want you to relax in me.

I want you to know I am your ally.

I want to support you achieve your highest version of yourself as you support mine.

I want our partnership to grow with Christ in our midst.

I want to sleep in your arms.

I want you to choose Love not once, not twice but everyday even if it’s hard. But, on moments you fall hard, I will be there with you and be patient with you as you grow into the partnership with me.

The ride won’t be easy. It won’t be always unicorns and rainbows, even though I always paint you scenarios of that. We will go through walls and thorns and fight dragons if we have to. And just Trust in the our Love that over flows from one another.

I want you to love me not because you lack… but because you are so full of it. I have always loved you from an overflow, and when my love tank’s level goes low, I want you to recognize it as a temporary moment.

That, what I need from you is just your arms around me, telling me everything will be alright. You don’t need to have a solution every time.

I want to hear you say: Please stay with me. I don’t want to lose you. Not to be dependent on me or not because you are in need of me. But, because you know you don’t need me, but you want me to be with you.

I want you to never stop showing me how much I mean to you.

I want a love that rewards instead of punishes when one fails or stumbles.

I want you to know my weakness, and trust you enough that you won’t take advantage of it. As i honor yours.

I want you to know, that no matter what happens, you have me. I am your partner, your lover, your sister, your mother, your goddess, your queen, your Shekinah, who will be with you every step of the way and yet wise enough to give you space to grow on your own whenever necessary.

I want you to be comforted in the knowing that  I accept you just the way you are. Warts and all.

I know all good things take time. I am not asking the heavens to hurry up.

I just wanted to be in touch with my soul and be really clear of what I want to experience in the relationship I choose to be in. In the relationship that I deserve to be in.

Maybe, God is still preparing you. Or maybe I am not ready for you.

I will be here waiting for you.

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Sitting with Pain

One sunny morning, I saw Pain sitting on a bench.. all alone. He was staring into the horizon. I felt pain as I was watching him from afar.

My mind told me to ignore pain, my body told me to kill it… but my heart… surprisingly told me… to approach… Pain.

It was a constant battle. And it left me….. wanting to numb myself from pain. But, then there’s a voice deep inside the recess of my soul telling me: “Go… approach pain… learn from him. He is a friend. Don’t make him suffer.”

And so, I started to proceed with caution… on my first step towards pain.. I felt it trying to rip my heart out…. on my second step.. i felt pain.. and a lump in my throat wanting to vomit my heart out.

I stopped momentarily to catch my breath. Hesitating… wanting to go back to my comfort zone.. where I can feel pain.. but barely.

There’s a list to masks of comfort if i took five steps backward, there’s chocolate, music, vanilla ice cream, strawberry milkshakes, choco warm cups, alcohol, parties, movies or books that can make your heart give a sorry excuse for tears to flow out… and the list goes on and on.

I took another deep breath, as I battle between wanting to approach pain… or avoiding it.

And I took the unimaginable….. I took another step towards Pain. And a scream came out of my mouth…. I tried to muffle it… but there are no pillows to drown the sound.. and tears came flooding…. my walls are breaking….

“You can’t do it. You’ll die if you go any further”, says the body.

“It’s unwise to muddle closely to pain… look! You are a mess!” says the mind.

“Just go… feel the pain.. take another step…. and you will see….”, says the heart.

With a dose of courage, this time, I ignored the body and the mind and listened to my heart.

I took my fourth step…. *hiccups* as my screams stopped… and my crying slowly came to an end…. *sniff sniff*

My heart told me to take a deep breath…. *inhales and exhales*…. I began to calm down. There’s silence…..

I took my fifth step… and I came face to face with Pain.

And he looked up at me… with a broken smile.

“Hello there, my friend. I thought you’d give up at the third step…….”, Pain said.

“I was about to…..” I replied.

“Come, sit beside me.” He said, and gestured to a space beside him in the bench.

I settled down. We were both silent for awhile watching the horizon. Each consumed in our magical space.

Breaking the silence…. I asked…. “Why, do we need to feel pain? It is very excruciating!!”

“Am I?” He inquired with a grin.

“Yes, you are!” I replied. “I felt you… it makes me want to eject my heart… it makes me scream… it…” my voice trailed on…

“You need to feel those…. because I bring a message to you. If you experience me… then there’s a message.” Pain answered.

“What message is that?” I asked.

“What do you think? Why do you experience me?” He asked back. “Maybe, you should try to look back…. to moments as to whenever you feel pain.. and what’s the reason behind it…”

I looked back and tried to remember. “I feel pain… when I feel I’m not loved. Or someone betrayed me. Or I was vulnerable and then someone would unconsciously hurt me…whenever I am.. rejected…when i experience loss… shame… guilt…. fear….when i am being asked to go away….”

“Yes, and there’s a message I am bringing…”, Pain agreed. “Can’t you see that in all those moments, you are experiencing fear instead of love? I arrive, to remind you… about love.”

“Love? But, I feel pain!” I stressed out.

“Exactly! You feel me, because in those moments… you have abandoned love. You left it’s threshold. I don’t stem from the love that others have denied you….but rather from the love that you deny them.” Pain explained

“The love that I have denied them? But, it is them that denied me!”, I stated

“Yes. They denied you. But, it is your own denial of love… that hurts you most. But, you won’t experience pain…. when you go back to Love. That their actions are merely a call for love. When you took the fourth step, you forgot about what you have been denied, you also forgot how to mask the hurt that you are feeling… but you entered the place of clarity. The space in between pain, when you pause for a moment. When the mind shuts down, when you get past pain…. you enter that “pause”. And everything becomes clear. And that you were sure that you loved. And as you start to love…. you release me. We release one another.” Pain answered.

“Yes, I can remember moments that I am comforted in between the pain. But, how come I cannot stay there?… when my mind wakes up… I panic!” I admitted exhausted.

“It is a constant battle, yes.And always with the mind, and your emotions. But emotions are fleeting… and not permanent. But, that would make you stronger if you stop numbing me. When you suffer…. I suffer… and then your most basic reaction is to numb me. Some with the help of drugs, others by barking and projecting their anger on other people. The worst? Is never allowing yourself to feel vulnerable. Or to stop loving. To vow to never let another enter your heart. Denial of Love.” – Pain explained. “But, remember? Before a caterpillar becomes a butterfly? It has to reject all the old worm cells that would keep her from being a butterfly. There’s always a battle. Chaos. Conflict. But, then when you get through the fire….. you gain access to my wisdom…. like now.”

“My mind cannot fathom why such Love could be denied…. but my heart can sense… that it is so…and that sometimes things has to happen this way.. and that I and I alone can release the pain… regardless of whether the story continues, ends or begins the way I want it to.. ” I reflected.

“Uh-huh. Now, you are getting it. Slowly.” Pain agreed. “There are many things you can learn from me. ANd one is the beauty of uncertainty. And to let go of control when you love… and to release all expectations.. .and just Be Love. to your partner… specially to yourself. That’s the best gift.”

I took a deep breath. Relieved. Having this tiny moment of clarity. I chose to write my conversation… because should I experience Pain again… I can be reminded… that Pain is a friend… and one needs to set Pain free… so I can freely love..and that pain need not suffer.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” – Mother Teresa

And once you enter the threshold of pain….. you actually realize that behind it is Love….

“I want to know if you’ve touched the center of your own sorrow, if you’ve been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.” Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I guess what I just did… was being in touch with the center of my sorrow and pain….

and when I surrendered to Love….

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.”- Marianne Williamson

 

And having the realizations I have…. I turned towards Pain and uttered:

“Hey…”

But, when I glanced beside me…. Pain was disappearing… slowly dissolving… as it gave me a warm smile…. Just before vanishing… Pain pointed towards the horizon….and before Pain disappeared… I smiled and said: “Thanks”

Tears fell from my eyes… grateful. Liquid prayers. And when I looked towards the horizon… I saw the rainbow.

And it’s a signal of hope, love and promises fulfilled….

May Love and Hope be yours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blessed in Receiving

A week ago, I learned a very important lesson in Receiving.

I was on our HQ talking to our business developers, when the Service Center Operations Manager told me to talk to a customer who wants to buy Roselle at a discount price. They’re requesting to use my number instead. Of course, I did the usual interview to make sure she wasn’t sent by another leader. And she said she doesn’t have any contact with the supplier and all that and we kept asking to have her number at least and she said she doesn’t know.

Clearly, this lead was being sent to me. Out of all people, why this time and why me?

In most cases, i would have given it to the leaders who may need it most but then i am reminded.. I am as worthy as them to receive and I shouldnt turn away providence… Because have I not been asking for this all along?

So while on conversation with Tita Tere… I was also having a conversation with myself and my response to receiving.

And that I should receive what has been given to me and not give it away.

At the same time, ive been receiving support from Boo when it comes to looking for a hospital in the vicinity. Normally, I would have fend off myself but it pays to listen to him(my angel) since he recommends the best and would never place myself on a very tight spot.

And earlier this week, I met a new found friend who asked me to guide her in her angel reading. She’s very enthusiastic, and  a giver like me. She prepared lunch and showed me her fantastic bamboo balcony with the awesome view of Mt. Apo! She then showered me with gifts. Huwaaaaa. She gave me some imported bubblegum, a sage and ordered a crystal necklace online. Awesome! I am blessed as I receive.

My whole life has been focused on giving that sometimes it stops there because I never allow myself to receive. And these moments are a stark reminder that I am now receiving God’s blessings in different forms.

15 days

Day 15.

Its been 15 days of cave time. I appreciate that he stayed all along… But, i still miss him. So much.

But, i know he needs his cave time. And, I can sense in his own ways he cares a lot for me.. Sometimes in a rough way.. But, i sense his being gentle…

The past 15 days taught me a lot of things. I sat with pain, moments of grief… then sprinkles of happiness when i see glimpses of his love and care. It has made me look inward.

I can say.. I’ve grown a lot with him. I learned more about myself… And challenged my beliefs, and placing it all into movement. It’s a bit messy, but I appreciate that even though he is not the most patient man (he would say to me)… He does so with me.

When i miss him, I just peer through conversations with him and my moments with him that I have in the past. And how fun it has been!

I remembered how a year ago today… I was in Baguio for a training from a financial institution.. And he was with me all throughout. Also, when I got down to Manila and had to take a cab all alone… He was with me all the time.. Giving me instructions what to do. I was deeply touched. From then on, I knew I had a keeper. That was one of the best memories I have with him. The way he would see me through and how he would weave a sigh of relief that I am safe.

Those memories comfort me.

Until now, I kept thanking God for making me experience a mature, caring, loving, creative and wonderful man.

I am blessed.

I also thank the heavenly entourage we both are experiencing… Thank you dear angels for always guiding us…. To just love.

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It’s terrifying

The art of love in romantic relationships is in some form an emotional midwifery. Whenever we find ourselves holding our beloved to merge and come together in a new form, it can be both exhilarating and terrifying.

It can threaten the beast within us as it approaches death, it can get very loud before it shines it’s beauty, and while it is being transmuted… a partner might say to you: “This is too high maintenance, I did not sign up for this. I can’t do this. I’m leaving.”

The dark part… the cocoon.. can be scary. Specially, if we don’t know what lies ahead. This cocoon will also eat up all parts that is not required for the journey. All issues will be brought up to the surface, in order for it to be healed.

The thing about relationship is…. it can be terrifying. While it can be a source of a whole lotta love, hugs, kisses, cuddles, compassion, care, someone to listen and talk to, someone who will understand you, someone to experience intimacy with, sprinkles of fairy dust, magical days, can be a source of comfort more than chocolate and a cup of coffee can bring, refreshing than my apple fruit bursts, or more comforting than a vanilla scent wafting in the air….

But  On the other hand…of the spectrum…
It can be terrifying!

Ive known of all these things intellectually, but having faced all these with my partner… it is indeed terrifying. It can consume you… but then, despite all the tears… I know I had to go through it… and just reach through the fire for my lover’s hands. Because, if one’s love is real… the fire won’t actually burn you…. and that the fire is necessary to purify your love for another. [insert song: Through the Fire – Chaka Khan]

It’s amazing that in churches, fire like water plays a very important role in the process…. In relationships, there’s always this emotional fire that can burn you, if you are not prepared. Or, it can heal you…. if one stayed long enough to see the miracle.

And going through the fire with my boo-loved, I am deeply humbled and frequently in tears, not because of pain(although that is present) but because of the vulnerability. That my walls are breaking, that I have finally trusted someone with my heart and soul…. completely.

I remember a passage from Marc Gafni who wrote, the Mystery of Love about an erotic lover and how I gushed about the idea of one day having that kind of love…

“The litmus test of an erotic lover is this: Does this person lead you back to your inner self? Are you able to share with him or her your most vulnerable, fledgling, faltering dreams? Every person has a Holy of Holies which, in those most intimate of times, we let another enter as the priest to worship at our altar. And in the gorgeous paradox of the spirit, by letting a lover enter we ourselves are let in as well. For when the Temple door is open and the lover enters, we ourselves trail behind. We gain uncommon access to our inner selves, a place that we are often unable to reach alone. The true lover always takes you home.” – Mystery of Love – Marc G

With my boo… I began to discover a part of me… that can love so deeply….

There are moments when the midnight chimes, the slipper breaks, the thorns will get in the way, the dragons will slay you, and the star that we wish on will fade…. because all these growth that comes in Being together will definitely ache and give us both pain… and our tempers will often almost collide… but I do hope that despite all this our love is greater than these challenges and that our love, like wine… will grow sweeter with time.

Thank you for always choosing to stay with me boo… I really appreciate it.

With all this…. chaos…. as we both go through our inner journey…. before we merge again…  I just rest in the knowing… that he will always be loved by me… pero before that makakatikim siya ng pitik at pinch. Ahihihihi Bleh. 😛

Oh it’s Wabi Sabi!

Sometime September 2011, I read something about Wabi Sabi and experienced practicing Ikebana on a quickie workshop.

That experience, brought me back to today…. The past week has been quiet challenging.. but the angels are always guiding me to just let it flow.. and release my tendency to control a situation.

I feel my relationship with my God’sGift is taking a gentle oftentimes rough course as I am coming face to face with some of my monsters and shadows.

Sometimes, we feel once we found our God’s Gift we think everything else will be easy cheesy. And for awhile I did thought that was possible. But that is one of society’s greatest myths. At the beginning stage, we think of our partners of as perfect beings…. but then in the middle of the road… we begin to see everything… specially the imperfections. The truth is … no one can ever be perfect.. not you.. not your partner…. You just find ways how to make the imperfections.. perfect! (sounds like word play…)

As I have reflected back on the couples in real life that I know that I really admire… there’s this chamber where they reveal all their monsters but the good thing about their partnership is they are committed that they know … no one is walking out of that door.

Now, I truly understand… what Wabi Sabi means.. how real relationships takes a lot of work. And even there’s this epiphany of finding the perfection in all the imperfection. I have experienced that with my man.. thats why I know I truly love him. There were things that he does that kinda irritates me… but then I find it “cute” na. Its weird… the things I used to dislike…. I find it cute when I see it in him! (But, of course there’s a lot of things we both need to work on… but I have truly experienced… having a “wabi sabi” epiphany moment with him.)

Real relationships takes a lifetime of understanding, constant forgiveness and always remembering that everything is a call for Love. My fears are there and sometimes my way of handling it gets in the nerves of my man. And he has his own fears too. So, we find ways to adjust and make each other feel safe and understood. That no matter what happens….. no one is leaving. At least for me, he gets that assurance. ( yes yes boo.. id know if im being a martyr or not naman eh) 🙂

I can say, I am happy and blessed still…. He has his own imperfections…I have mine… I can truly say I love and accept him the way he is. And he has in fact…. in his own way… helped me healed parts of me.. I thought was “okay”. He showed me how to battle some stuff alone…. but there are times we battle and slay dragons together.  🙂

Quotes:

““There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. Love really is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And, the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” – The Love Whisperer

three is a crowd

i saw a conversation of women.. saying… its okay to go steal another woman’s man.

G: go ignite it a “little”…. tell the guy when he gets home

O: you think so?

G: yeah, theyre gonna break up anyway, since the guy is flirting with you… and the gf will find out…

O: or you can make him choose between you and the gf

Hullohhh? Earth to you, lady? And you are not even sure whether the guy is really into you or not….. *sigh*

sometimes… some people …. dont respect the relationship of another. so what if you think its sucky? so what if theyre tupsyturvy? let the relationship end… without you interfering.

no matter if you think you are perfect for the guy…. or you think he is perfect for you….

“the right person.. at the wrong time.. is still the wrong person.”

(well unless, the guy lied… and said he was unattached and all that)

there is this value called: RIGHT TIMING.
let the man do it himself. it is just not right to go flirt(and with intention to win the guy over another woman) with a man who is in any way in a relationship… or married. so, not right.

who can honor what you will have in the future if your relationship is even founded on that? T_T sometimes..

seryes like the legal wife, makes it okay to go meddle into other people’s relationship… because we love each other.. etc. But, relationships founded over “trickery” and lies… will always spell it’s end.

“The end is always in the beginning…” so, relationship experts would say.

and then in the end…they’re the same women who come up and ask: “how come men who likes me… are already in a relationship with another woman?”

well, why not.. look for single… available unattached men for starters?

you always have a choice… on what kind of guys you allow yourself to get involved with.

Or maybe its an ongoing pattern….

For sometime…. most guys I ended up liking… always cheated behind my back. Had many girlfriends other than me. Until, one day, I prayed and asked God… that I don’t want to meet a variety of men. I just want to have a deep and loving relationship with ONE. And that He grants me the eyes, and the senses to recognize him. [and lo and behold… God gave me my boo….. ]. 🙂

If it’s a pattern… you can stop it… with your intention. And loads of prayer to God…

I don’t know what women get out of it. Maybe, it’s the high, that some guy chose her over another woman. Like some sort of conquest. Or they like the thrill, the challenge….. T_T

I have watched many friends who get involved with guys who are in a relationship or married…. or just got off another one…and there’s this  woman I know, who gets a high whisking guys away from their wives and children. and then leaves the guy behind and would go look for another conquest. that is just so sad. T_T [this goes to men too].

Men who are in a relationship… should always be a dealbreaker….. because I believe God won’t give a gift that already belongs to someone else.

Anyway, this is just my opinion. To my friends, I always discourage them if the one they have their eyes on, are in a relationship already. Since, it’s a recipe for lots of unnecessary pain, heartache and unrequited love.

This is also…. a response to… the feeds I’m getting over at FB about the Legal Wife. A lot of viewers are frustrated….. they say its the reality of today’s relationships… but it does no good to feed those “hinala” and project it to your husbands and wives. It feeds on paranoia of women’s emotions. Women’s emotions are very tricky… I myself am doing a lot of mastery work.. but still I find myself buying into dramas. And so, it’s no good. It would create a whole dose of hysteria to women…. and instability to relationships… instead of…. making it last…

I told them… “why don’t you watch “Please Be Careful With My Heart” instead?” I think, light, fun and loving relationships projected on TV is better over hyped up dramas. 🙂