I will miss you

she took a deep breath and sighed in surrender.

Surrendering everything to God.

She tried. He tried. Both did their best. But, there are far too many issues being swept under the rug. Too many secrets on his end. 

*she took another breath* 

If he were to be beside her, she would stare deep into his eyes and communicate her deep love to him. And she’d cry the way she is doing now as she writes her piece about how she feels.

She loves him deeply. But, outsidecircumstances are far too shady to hang her hopes too. The ship is slowly moving away from her. 

She looks at his eyes only with deep love. He is not perfect but she loved her just the same. 

But, she needs to take care of her. And to love herself, the way she wanted to be loved.

And maybe one day, in this lifetime or another .. They would meet. That time, hopefully they would be available to one another. 

You will be missed and you are always loved. *hugs* 

*tears pouring out of her eyes* 

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Of golden arrows and frozen hearts

I was watching Huntsman(Winter’s War) with my family and the message hits home.

I was about to relate myself to Ice Queen about being betrayed and a love lost…. And how I felt that is what I would feel after having lost a love you once had.

But, then the movie reminded me that sometimes our “perception” or the way we look at things or the way things seems to us may not be real. But, just a mere projection. And it is not the truth.

And, then just like that we discount all the love we had for one another and believing a “lie” of “what is”. 

In a relationship, it can be a challenge, a rocking of the boat, a temporary setback. We failed to communicate what happened and chose to ignore and become silent or if we do communicate, we attack one another, shooting arrows against each other’s grievances. 

Some people can be given second chances.. Others not. And we would look forlornly to a love that we lost just because we failed to communicate with love and kindness. 

And to all those lovers out there who may be undergoing something, I may have failed on mine.. You might be giving yourselves a chance.

By choosing love instead of attack. Choose kindness even if your love one attacks you.

Also, not all the time your love one will react the way you want him or her to and with that comes a mile long understanding and patience.

Just remember, that Love can thaw a frozen heart and TRUE LOVE indeed conquers all.

Find that someone who would not walk away from the simple rocking of the boat…. Find someone who chooses to stick with you. Someone who will truly accept you on your bad days as well as your good.

And if you do… Never let them go… Welcome that golden arrow. πŸ’•β€οΈπŸ’πŸ€πŸ˜β€οΈπŸ’•

Cigarettes

Sometimes i wish im a cigarette. At least when a person is into cigarettes and loves smoking, they cant bear to live without it. And they would always look for that cigarette if its gone or missing. 

But in life, some people would rather have the comfort of a cigarette because dealing with a loved one can be messy.
I guess thats how life is now. We love the things that takes life from us but we reject the love that is in front of us. 

How, then will this pain of being rejected by the one I trust who will love and will be with me in the end but would cop out the moment they see uncomfortable times, bless me?

But for now… Let me feel the pang of pain. And this too shall pass.

P.S.I still love him so much 😭😭😭 And I cant do anything but just allow him to do what he wants. And if his happiness is not with me.. I shall stay away. It hurts so bad. But, when I remember the good times we had it was all worth it naman. Lord, please bless his path and may he find someone better than me. πŸ’•And as for me? I shall continue my work under YOU. *hugsGod* I belong to YOU .. Thank you for also opening doors for what needs to be done. 

Infinite Love and Abundance 2015

2015 was a bit of a challenge for me, in all ways. It tested me to the point it left me stunted, a bit depressed, unwilling to move. I wanted to. But, by the middle of it, I wanted to design my life and re-create it, but I could not get myself to do it. I tried being hard on myself, tried wallowing in self pity, being madrama, I tried to feel every moment. It left me scarred. But, I know the light is still glimmering. There are moments of love and laughter amidst everything. But, there were also moments of despair.

I am still refining what I really wanted in my life. One thing is for sure, I want to raise my own family and become the best wife and mother that I can be. But, that couldn’t happen if I am not ready, nor if my future partner in life is also ready. That is the one thing I am sure of.

But, other than that? Career path? Doing my life’s work?I have devoted myself to journey with every person I meet that I will be one of their supporters in their journey back to Love. Little did I know, I shall be also in the flow of it. It was a constant dance, away from Love, and going back to Love.

What transpired the last months of the year 2015 is the realization that: Anything could happen. IN the blink of an eye, God can come and take you away. Whether you’ve done your life’s work or not. No matter how hard you bargain. Also, it is with God’s grace that you live. And how would you choose to live today.

I am suddenly remembered by a statement of Sister Fidelis, that in the after life, God won’t ask us how many projects we’ve done for the world, or how many people we helped…. but God will only ask us one question: HOW WELL DID YOU LOVE?

Did you love wholeheartedly? Or did you hold back? Did you stop loving because you feared? Or you just tried to numb yourself.

I shall always always remember that statement. And of course it is a good match with: You never lose by LOVING.

Of course, there are moments that it is challenging to practice that Love. Because, my ego mind loves to interfere, but I’m doing my very best to be friends with my ego … although there are my moments that I hate how I react to such things… such as… being selosa, being irritable or cranky, unable to take a joke, pikon and a whole lot of things.

All I ask always, is the guidance from the Divine…. and to SURRENDER all my need to control. πŸ™‚

Lord, I surrender all my burdens and worries to you. I know you have always taken care of me, my family, my boo and friends. May I recognize the miracle in everyday, and to always just choose Love.

*sigh* I miss my dad so much, that it brings me tears at night whenever I remember him. It was always my dream for my dad to see his apo’s and his son-in-law one day. No, he didn’t even catch a glimpse of him. 😦 But, my dad despite his lack of words, showed us in his own way, how not to be judgmental. You can always be you and well he’d be mad but he was never one to keep grudges. T_T He was the best example of unconditional love and BEING-ness. Having him around and just hearing you talk.

It was also this year I experienced how to receive support and help from other people. After Papa left…. a lot of people were there and supported us every step of the way. Thank you dear Lord, for never leaving our side. They were there when we need them the most. πŸ™‚

*sigh*

After dad’s death, I was unable to bring myself to write in my Happiness Jar… but here is what I came up with:

 

Jan 1: Spent time with family. Grateful for the first day of 2015. Wonderful Weather. Healthy Family. The gift of Silence. Me time. Peace. Released. Calm. Love. Boo is crusing and is out of reach, and the angels gave me a card reading today that said: “Your Loved Ones are Safe”. I am assured Boo is safe and sound. πŸ™‚

Jan 2: Today I am grateful thatΒ  I have an energy exchange from Mom. A family of three also visited the center today and bought 40k worth of products after the health reading! I see this as a sign of things to come!! How does it get any better than this?

Jan 3: GRATEFUL for today! I finally heard from BOO but didnt caught up with him just yet! But happy that he sounds fine… and found a moment to steal some wifi access.

Jan 8: Met Avy and Nessa and did card readings for them. Grateful that a lady inquired in the middle and asked to have hers read soon.

Jan 14: Thankful for my first BEHT client today!! How does it get any better than this?

Jan 21: put your ear down by your HEART and Listen Hard.

Jan 22: Wow! I received my Php 1,350 today from my 3 clients in BEHT! How does it get any better than this?

Jan 27: Today is a happy day with MichaelBoo. I really enjoyed making lambing to him. I love it!! We talked about calls, love, marriage.. tennis, and *wink wink*.

Jan 28:Β  Tribe of Love @ our home, so papa can join in on us and see us meeting. Full house with lots of food. I made the beef tapa today! Woot woot!

feb 4: Its a full moon and we had our MasterMind @ Bahay Kubo.. The Avila’s place. I imagined that I was with Boo and we are together dancing underneath the moonlight! What a day! Today we watched the Shift with the community. “Just be there… Pay attention… .and Magic happens…” =)

Feb 5 2015: Huwaw! Boo’s card arrived today! Happiness! Can’t open it pa! Today I also went to the dentist and it is a win that I’m over my fear of dentists, Mom need not accompany me! I also had a date with Ate Ana @ the Echo Store. I am blessed today!

Feb 9: Today I went out with my Papa. He often loves to join us when we go out of the home. Today, he was game enough to accompany me with my errands. We went to Ate Gyne’s to fetch the Kangen, hatid Paolo at school. and then I visited the post office to follow up on my package, and then I dropped by at a surplus shop whereΒ  I found an MK bag I have always wanted. Then, I urged my dad to come down and take a look inside since there’s not much people anyway. And he went to the slippers area. He loves slippers! And then I bought the bag and my papa was grinning and wanted a red slipper…. so, I told him sure!! I will get that for you of course! And then I wanted to give my Papa a treat and told him: You want to eat the ice cream Pope ate at the aircraft that is made in the Philippines? And he said: Sure! And so, I bought him the strawberry flavored to which he shared with mom and me at home. πŸ™‚ One of the best days with my Papa. πŸ™‚

Feb13: Boo gave me a sweet amethyst necklace. 2 cards. And he cooked the same breakfast I had today. And even made me spaghetti!!! He is the sweetest! And he took a day off!!! *blushes* We watched 3 idiots. My family was also complete for the dinner!!! Best!

Feb 14: How does it get any better than this? Boo gave me a bouquet of flowers and our third BOOBABY!! Boobwhit is the name! So kyootipay!! Lovely lovely flowers. *blushes* Although he got sick today 😦 But he did his best to be with me…. *hugsBooTight*

Feb 15: Happy Birthday Darlene!!!

Feb 18: Papas Birthday! we had Lamb today!! For Papa! And everyone in the Tribe of Love was present. It was a full house full of fun and laughter. And they sang the Old Lang Syne to my Papa. Good thing I recorded that one!

March 18: While traveling, and waiting for our Bacolod flight in Cebu, Tito Devin and Tita Letty fetched us and took us for lunch at Casa Verde one of the oldest restaurants they have. They have the most generous family in Cebu I know!

March 26: Mom wanted a celebration at home. I bought mom a luggage!! Since she always wanted to have one that is not too large or too small. Papa, also took me on the side the other day and asked me to buy white and pink stargazers for mom as his gift (sweeet!!) (aside from mom’s shopping spree for the day!). It is also their Wedding Anniversary. And they celebrated it with just as and the rest of our household. πŸ™‚

April 27: God gave us an angel in the form of Tita Angie who accompanied us at Camp Aguinaldo, even though it is her birthday today. πŸ™‚

July 28: Happy Birthday Paolooo!!

Sept 24: Happy Birthday Boooo!!

Oct 13: Boo reminded that its my favorite day today and we watched: The Croods and Inside Out!!! Best day ever! As always with Boo.

Oct. 16-17 2015: *made **** today with Boo πŸ˜› in Tagalog. Haha. Stayed up till 12:49 am that;s3:49am. He shared me stories and it was an intimate and loving conversation. I felt so loved.

Nov9 2015: watched 3 movies today with Boo: The Maze Runner, The American President and Beetlejuice. It was lovely. He is the best with Quality Time!!! *hugshugs* I miss Papa though.. I still think fondly of him.

dec 21: Im like a princess or Miss Universe… being crowned today!!Β  Becauseeeee right after the Miss Universe Pageant, a mail arrived from my Boo… huwaaaaa… andΒ  I got a CATS beanie! I did not expect that!!! OMG I was so surprised. My Boo sure is supported with the angels and his Timing!

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In a nutshell and milestones of 2015:

TSULITTEAM: Lovely days, he makes breakfast for me, waking him up in the morning, making breakfast for him, accompanies me during events, ensures that I get home safely, takes care of me, on moments he sleeps on mewhenever we watch dark movies, celebrated our 3rd year since the day we first met, celebrated our 2nd year in YM and the beginning of our journey together as TsulitTeam, watches movies and series with me, cuddling, supporting one another, listening and understanding one another, loving and just loving……

Movies: How To Train Your Dragon, Call Center Girl, Pirates of The Carribean ON stranger Tides, Addicted, The Visit,

Series watched with Boo: Game of Thrones, Scandal

Travels: Zamboanga City, Cebu City, Cagayan De Oro City(2), Pagadian City, Cadiz City, Metro Manila(4), Batangas City. Samal, Ozamis City, Iligan City(2), Butuan City, Sta. Maria (Little Boracay), Baguio City, Santiago (Isabela) (2), Rizal(2), Tagum City, Bat Cave and Vanishing Island – Samal, Cavite City(2), Urdaneta City, Balanga, Bataan, Laguna,

Workshops Conducted: Heart of Networking: 7Β Β Β Β Β  Heart of a Leader: 8Β Β Β  5 Love Languages: 1 MasterMind Workshop: 1

Workshops Staffed: Ikepono: One weekend

Workshops Attended: Enneagram With Sister Fidelis

Ate Something New: Satti (as recommended by Boo),

Weddings Attended: 3

BIG EVENT: Hosted @ MOA ARENA πŸ™‚ with 3K people πŸ™‚

Eventss Supported: Philippine Eagle Family Day, Prosperity Consciousness Day, Cycle for Life (registration), A day to Change the World, Bazaar for A Cause, Tribute of Tito Leo (registration)

Angels met: RC, Ate Grace, Ate Kathy, Kuya Chad Laurente, Cristina, Shrijaya,

My Angels and Crystals Online Shop was also born during the bazaar last August 13, 2015 πŸ™‚

Mutant Academy School of Ninja Turtles was also born August 2015

 

I wasn’t able to document that much this year…. however I wished to document more this coming year…. πŸ™‚

2014: It’s Bliss!

2014 has been very good. I can say I have begun to shed off things I deem not my priority and began to really pick up areas in my life I want to focus on. (My declarations really paid off: Pure Bliss 2014)

Primarily, I have been cherishing one of God’s greatest gift to me: Boo. I know, he has been the talk of the year in my blog, because it’s an area I have been holding back for most of my life. But, with him, I feel I am ready. And with that, everything is just happening in God’s perfect time. I have grown a lot, he showed me in so many ways areas of me that I have masked. And if i have to enumerate them, I may just cry! I have also encountered areas of me that did not grow up and very much “madrama”. In the end, I learned how to balance being me… (and part of that is still madrama sweetheart!)… and how to express it in a healthy way. I thought, I’d be spending my holidays with my boo, but I guess its not yet the time. (Miracles take some timeeee!) In fact, he is not with me today! He is off somewhere on a vacay… T_T But, it’s alright. We have chosen to just go gaze at the moon when the clock strikes 12. Oh please weather be good! I miss him. It was also this year that I got my first ever bouquet from a guy!!!(and from boo pa!!!) *soooooo kilig* And i got two babies: Boobear and Boocholit!!! This year also we had our first year anniversary as TsulitTeam! ❀ and our 2nd year anniversary since the day we met! It was also my first time to cook up a birthday surprise to someone I love! It was funnnn!!!! ❀

Family….. this year brought us closer together with all that has been happening. It has been a sweet, meaningful, intimate Christmas with just us and the whole household celebrating. We also gained a new addition to the family: Woody! Who also gave us a scare for a good five days because he got lotst. Good thing the angels brought him back!! he is the yin to our yang! Huwaaaa!!! He is absolutely friendly! Darlene alsooo got to travel with us! The best!

Our Community, has gone through a bump, which challenged beliefs and relationships.. and where we really stand in our mission to contribute to our community, city, Philippines, Asia and the world. I think this year was more of introspection… albeit all the events together… but different soulful journey to each and everyone.

A lot of friends came and a lot left town and out of the country.

This year was definitely filled with engagements! My facebook is flooded with feeds of rings on fingers. Which is a wonderful sign! That means, most of my friends are actually living their dreams. aside from all the celebrities that got engaged and married (one being my favorite… dong and marian. not because its hyped up like it is… but because of how their relationship really stood the test of time.) Also, the day they were engaged, they had a dinner at the same restaurant we were in… and it was another [insert twilight zone music here] affirmation. Affirmation, that everyone is gearing up for their next level in relationships.

At the beginning of the year… I did a financial timeline to my 5 cousins (young-uns) and I’m happy to see 2 of them are actually working on it as I write. And has been handling their finances creatively. I have also got reports and random messages about how they are grateful they have cleared up their liabilities and started to take on their savings.

I also experienced Bagyong Glenda…. in Manila, having my flight cancelled… and another one having my flight rebooked because of Bagyong Ruby.

It was also this year that I entered a dance club but only this time it was back to the 80’s themed! It was absolutely fun! I have my boo to thank for pushing me to enjoy! (Although, I would have preferred he was with me:P)

Also, this year Ate Honey commented I improved in my speaking/workshop craft! Whoopeee! More confident and a bit grown up whoopee! *somersaults*

It was my first to do yoga for almost 2 months. Usually, I do it intermittently. But, along the road it got lost and sooo once again… im bringing it back up on schedule.

I also got to catch up with Lola B, Kathy, Ate Grace whom I haven’t seen for ages!!!! It was refreshing to see them! Also caught up with other friends: Resh, Ate Riz, Ate Jolly, JV, Ana…. among others….

Global:

A lot of things happened that are of concern to me. First off, the planes that went missing, the plane crashes, it was a weird statistics this year. Also Vietnam noted it was a weird year of accidents too. I also learned a lot of things during my two trips. This time, I actually listened well in between my rest! The ongoing global unrest and want of greed and more power, and thus igniting wars.

Philippines on one hand, exposed a lot of corrupt individuals, even though there isn’t much, the fact that they are under public scrutiny is a big change already.

Despite this, there are many things to learn; that amidst all these chaos, one day there will be order. In between all the pain and heartbreaks, and challenges… your real power .. that which is within you… called Love.. will emerge… and then it will soar…

All in all, I am grateful for all the blessings, the insights, the loving memories, the challenges and the growth that came after this year.

Thank you for 2014. πŸ™‚

Milestones of 2014:

TsulitTeam: TsulitTeam movie dates, spontaneous dates, mornings and midnight conversations, 1st TsulitTeam Anniversary, 2nd Anniversary (day we met)

Weddings: Paul & ate Krang

Heart Council Sessions: 10

Travels: Kidapawan: (3), Eden (2), Panabo (1), Manila (6), Cebu (1), South Korea (1), Vietnam (1)
Beach: 4 times lang??!!!
Workshops/ Training Conducted: Heart Quest batch 5, Stages of Courtship, Special Session: 7 Qualities of Master Achievers, Back to Base 6, Heart of Networking (4x), Success Mastery
New Friends: Churchille, Dana, Ish

Workshops Attended: Rich Dad Cashflow @ SM Lanang, Way of a Healer, Meet Your Angels Workshop, BARS
Ideas that were Rapid Prototyped: Coffee Party, Back to Base 6, Love Sessions with The Maria’s (Love Salon -I am Maria Session),

New Inaanaks: Baby Adi, Baby Tori,

Baby Shower: Fraiche

Sistereynas

I was kinda feeling down a night ago.. even today… However, as usual it has always been me and the angels on times like this…specially at night.

There are moments when i dont feel all too kind, there are moments where i feel “im so fed up with this thing/that person, i cant take no more”.

Love tank = 30% is running pretty low the past week.

So, if its to be.. Its up to me.

I took off to get myself a massage and facial which i have been putting on hold since day one of 2014. (Okay okay i did get 3-4 massages over the year).

And then, fulfilling a commitment i made with my boo.. Will go visit md… to appease him that im alright and im really taking care of myself.

Good thing i have Bee and Resh.. whom i can call on on moments like this… And ta-dah! We are off to the beach after a little stint at the MD. (That is if we can make it.. ) which we didn’t and in fact the two almost didnt make it on their flight. Booohooo! 😭

But, being with them makes me feel .. “Hey, you are not alone… We are here”. Not that we talked a lot nor was i able to dump. But, it made me feel… That God also blessed me with warm hearted, bubbly, kind, loving, will go out of the way friends.

Im just happy that I have my sistereynas i can call on to when things get topsy turvy. They both are also going thru their own stuff… But we all managed to just laugh it all out.

Grateful for lifelong, authentic sistereynas.. Thanks bee and resh! Love lots! 😍😍😘😘 and of course Dorlay who gives me space and a breather and who knows what im going thru with just one look…. And would sound off her gentle.. Wise words to comfort me.

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15 days

Day 15.

Its been 15 days of cave time. I appreciate that he stayed all along… But, i still miss him. So much.

But, i know he needs his cave time. And, I can sense in his own ways he cares a lot for me.. Sometimes in a rough way.. But, i sense his being gentle…

The past 15 days taught me a lot of things. I sat with pain, moments of grief… then sprinkles of happiness when i see glimpses of his love and care. It has made me look inward.

I can say.. I’ve grown a lot with him. I learned more about myself… And challenged my beliefs, and placing it all into movement. It’s a bit messy, but I appreciate that even though he is not the most patient man (he would say to me)… He does so with me.

When i miss him, I just peer through conversations with him and my moments with him that I have in the past. And how fun it has been!

I remembered how a year ago today… I was in Baguio for a training from a financial institution.. And he was with me all throughout. Also, when I got down to Manila and had to take a cab all alone… He was with me all the time.. Giving me instructions what to do. I was deeply touched. From then on, I knew I had a keeper. That was one of the best memories I have with him. The way he would see me through and how he would weave a sigh of relief that I am safe.

Those memories comfort me.

Until now, I kept thanking God for making me experience a mature, caring, loving, creative and wonderful man.

I am blessed.

I also thank the heavenly entourage we both are experiencing… Thank you dear angels for always guiding us…. To just love.

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