Journey back to Love

There is one dance we have in this Earth and this is our dance in staying in Love, and our journey away from it. I have been in the flow, think of rivers and tides, getting pulled back by Fear and then moving forward in Love.

The description is poetic, but the moment that thing happens is the least moment I’d want to stay in. But, then it happens. And as it happens, all I know is to stay in the present and let the tears flow like liquid prayers.

The past few months, I find myself crying myself to sleep. And, I couldn’t figure out why and if I pinpoint the reasons, there could be five or six that I can think of. But, more so, I feel it is my soul aching. Aching to do what it wants. It is my soul desiring to love and be loved, to be seen and be appreciated. Even though, I never lacked that growing up, but there’s this threshold that my soul wants to enter, that I cannot reach alone.

Call me maarte or ma-drama, but that is what I want.

Tonight, I don’t want to lament or torment myself of how I am kind of a wee bit far from the place I want to be. There were fleeting moments I’d see glimpses of the possibilities of what lies ahead,and I am truly thankful to God for those moments.

Tonight, I just want to cast out my desires….

I want you to hold my hand, and maintain contact, to speak even without words but through the slightest of touch or if you are not around send me your waves of love even in times I am not loving at all.

I want you, gentle enough to understand me during my crazy moments and whose love will not waver at the slightest rock and movement of the boat.

I want you, not to give up. I want you not to dismiss my feelings but honor and appreciate them as it happens.

Yes, you won’t be perfect. And I will always always do my part to understand you.

Yes, you won’t be sending me the same love I would be giving you. I am not asking you to out-give me. I am simply asking you to be vulnerable enough to feel and join me in this journey.

I want you to hug me when I am hysterical. You don’t really need to spoil me by doing whatever it is that I want. All I want is a simple smile from you and that love that emanates from you telling me you would never abandon me or ask me to go away.

I also want you to be brave enough to tell me what you see in me that I do or say that hurts you or invalidates you. I want you to be transparent to me.

I don’t want you to be scared to tell me the truth.

I want you to TRUST me. I want you not to put up walls when I ask uncomfortable questions. I want you to understand me, that the reason I ask, was for me to know you more and understand you not because I am doubting you.

I want you to be safe in my arms as I hold your precious dreams and desires close to my heart.

I want to be your well of admiration, appreciation and love. I want you to relax in me.

I want you to know I am your ally.

I want to support you achieve your highest version of yourself as you support mine.

I want our partnership to grow with Christ in our midst.

I want to sleep in your arms.

I want you to choose Love not once, not twice but everyday even if it’s hard. But, on moments you fall hard, I will be there with you and be patient with you as you grow into the partnership with me.

The ride won’t be easy. It won’t be always unicorns and rainbows, even though I always paint you scenarios of that. We will go through walls and thorns and fight dragons if we have to. And just Trust in the our Love that over flows from one another.

I want you to love me not because you lack… but because you are so full of it. I have always loved you from an overflow, and when my love tank’s level goes low, I want you to recognize it as a temporary moment.

That, what I need from you is just your arms around me, telling me everything will be alright. You don’t need to have a solution every time.

I want to hear you say: Please stay with me. I don’t want to lose you. Not to be dependent on me or not because you are in need of me. But, because you know you don’t need me, but you want me to be with you.

I want you to never stop showing me how much I mean to you.

I want a love that rewards instead of punishes when one fails or stumbles.

I want you to know my weakness, and trust you enough that you won’t take advantage of it. As i honor yours.

I want you to know, that no matter what happens, you have me. I am your partner, your lover, your sister, your mother, your goddess, your queen, your Shekinah, who will be with you every step of the way and yet wise enough to give you space to grow on your own whenever necessary.

I want you to be comforted in the knowing that  I accept you just the way you are. Warts and all.

I know all good things take time. I am not asking the heavens to hurry up.

I just wanted to be in touch with my soul and be really clear of what I want to experience in the relationship I choose to be in. In the relationship that I deserve to be in.

Maybe, God is still preparing you. Or maybe I am not ready for you.

I will be here waiting for you.

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