I don’t know how to begin this, but I feel I ought to write something.
I couldn’t even bear saying it…. but I have to… my Dad chose to go as soon as a little bit past 12midnight on April 6, 2015.
We were in the ICU but outside the room of my Dad when it happened…. and everything was just so unreal to me. But, I couldn’t say those aloud because my mom was being hysterical. It’s like when he was being revived…. i began to find ways that what was happening was unreal.
Until now, I can’t seem to believe it’s real. I still find myself crying whenever I’m alone… because I miss him.
But, I sense the loss whenever I go home. He would always be beside the piano, or in front of the tv, or beside the kitchen table drinking his meds or inside their room sleeping.
It’s very painful because I always dreamed papa to be with us for a long time. For him, to see me married and for him to see his grandsons or granddaughters one day.
Truth be told, I got scared when we took him to the hospital. My mom was already crying, and it’s unusual, because we’ve been to hospitals with my dad whenever he got stroke but it would always be calm. But, this time… mama was crying. I also got scared when I saw him being “intubated” (I dont know if that’s the right term). I just stood there… scared. Not knowing what to do. T_T I don’t want to see my papa having a hard time.
When he was transferred to the ICU and was able to rest while his vital signs are being monitored and stabilized. I felt better because I saw and believed everything to be okay. Although, the heart rate 143 was a high one… it was the last heart rate we saw before we left the hospital to go get the papers needed. I believed Papa was sending out a message: “I love you” and I pointed it out to mom .. and we both said: We love you Papa.
But, arriving home.. I felt the sting.. the emptiness. And i sobbed hard. But, I didn’t want to believe it. So, I prayed for God’s grace. And that I know everything that is happening…. is left unto Him. And then we got a call that my Dad’s BP went up and it was good news.
We left home as soon as we got what we needed and rushed back to the hospital. As soon as we settled to the “Watcher’s Lounge”. The ICU doctor called our attention and said that my dad’s BP went down again and he is in a critical condition. My mom bawled and panicked. I cannot panic, and was busy reassuring her. Then we went to the lounge again… having mixed emotions…. scared… hopeful… pleading that my dad would be alright. A few minutes after…. we were called in and the doctor said… my dad has no vital signs whatsoever and that they were trying to revive him.
We stood outside immobilized. Not wanting to accept what was happening… because it was way too soon. Not this soon. T_T And then we braved our way inside and saw 2 doctors and 3 nurses. Mom rushed inside and held his feet. I couldn’t even bear going near him. It was too painful to me. The doctors were talking to us… but it seemed what they were saying were pretty alien to me. We were in shock. This happens to movies. Not real life. Not this soon.
I lost my papa. I thought I’d have a lot of time with him. I thought he’d be with us for a long long time…….