Sitting with Pain

One sunny morning, I saw Pain sitting on a bench.. all alone. He was staring into the horizon. I felt pain as I was watching him from afar.

My mind told me to ignore pain, my body told me to kill it… but my heart… surprisingly told me… to approach… Pain.

It was a constant battle. And it left me….. wanting to numb myself from pain. But, then there’s a voice deep inside the recess of my soul telling me: “Go… approach pain… learn from him. He is a friend. Don’t make him suffer.”

And so, I started to proceed with caution… on my first step towards pain.. I felt it trying to rip my heart out…. on my second step.. i felt pain.. and a lump in my throat wanting to vomit my heart out.

I stopped momentarily to catch my breath. Hesitating… wanting to go back to my comfort zone.. where I can feel pain.. but barely.

There’s a list to masks of comfort if i took five steps backward, there’s chocolate, music, vanilla ice cream, strawberry milkshakes, choco warm cups, alcohol, parties, movies or books that can make your heart give a sorry excuse for tears to flow out… and the list goes on and on.

I took another deep breath, as I battle between wanting to approach pain… or avoiding it.

And I took the unimaginable….. I took another step towards Pain. And a scream came out of my mouth…. I tried to muffle it… but there are no pillows to drown the sound.. and tears came flooding…. my walls are breaking….

“You can’t do it. You’ll die if you go any further”, says the body.

“It’s unwise to muddle closely to pain… look! You are a mess!” says the mind.

“Just go… feel the pain.. take another step…. and you will see….”, says the heart.

With a dose of courage, this time, I ignored the body and the mind and listened to my heart.

I took my fourth step…. *hiccups* as my screams stopped… and my crying slowly came to an end…. *sniff sniff*

My heart told me to take a deep breath…. *inhales and exhales*…. I began to calm down. There’s silence…..

I took my fifth step… and I came face to face with Pain.

And he looked up at me… with a broken smile.

“Hello there, my friend. I thought you’d give up at the third step…….”, Pain said.

“I was about to…..” I replied.

“Come, sit beside me.” He said, and gestured to a space beside him in the bench.

I settled down. We were both silent for awhile watching the horizon. Each consumed in our magical space.

Breaking the silence…. I asked…. “Why, do we need to feel pain? It is very excruciating!!”

“Am I?” He inquired with a grin.

“Yes, you are!” I replied. “I felt you… it makes me want to eject my heart… it makes me scream… it…” my voice trailed on…

“You need to feel those…. because I bring a message to you. If you experience me… then there’s a message.” Pain answered.

“What message is that?” I asked.

“What do you think? Why do you experience me?” He asked back. “Maybe, you should try to look back…. to moments as to whenever you feel pain.. and what’s the reason behind it…”

I looked back and tried to remember. “I feel pain… when I feel I’m not loved. Or someone betrayed me. Or I was vulnerable and then someone would unconsciously hurt me…whenever I am.. rejected…when i experience loss… shame… guilt…. fear….when i am being asked to go away….”

“Yes, and there’s a message I am bringing…”, Pain agreed. “Can’t you see that in all those moments, you are experiencing fear instead of love? I arrive, to remind you… about love.”

“Love? But, I feel pain!” I stressed out.

“Exactly! You feel me, because in those moments… you have abandoned love. You left it’s threshold. I don’t stem from the love that others have denied you….but rather from the love that you deny them.” Pain explained

“The love that I have denied them? But, it is them that denied me!”, I stated

“Yes. They denied you. But, it is your own denial of love… that hurts you most. But, you won’t experience pain…. when you go back to Love. That their actions are merely a call for love. When you took the fourth step, you forgot about what you have been denied, you also forgot how to mask the hurt that you are feeling… but you entered the place of clarity. The space in between pain, when you pause for a moment. When the mind shuts down, when you get past pain…. you enter that “pause”. And everything becomes clear. And that you were sure that you loved. And as you start to love…. you release me. We release one another.” Pain answered.

“Yes, I can remember moments that I am comforted in between the pain. But, how come I cannot stay there?… when my mind wakes up… I panic!” I admitted exhausted.

“It is a constant battle, yes.And always with the mind, and your emotions. But emotions are fleeting… and not permanent. But, that would make you stronger if you stop numbing me. When you suffer…. I suffer… and then your most basic reaction is to numb me. Some with the help of drugs, others by barking and projecting their anger on other people. The worst? Is never allowing yourself to feel vulnerable. Or to stop loving. To vow to never let another enter your heart. Denial of Love.” – Pain explained. “But, remember? Before a caterpillar becomes a butterfly? It has to reject all the old worm cells that would keep her from being a butterfly. There’s always a battle. Chaos. Conflict. But, then when you get through the fire….. you gain access to my wisdom…. like now.”

“My mind cannot fathom why such Love could be denied…. but my heart can sense… that it is so…and that sometimes things has to happen this way.. and that I and I alone can release the pain… regardless of whether the story continues, ends or begins the way I want it to.. ” I reflected.

“Uh-huh. Now, you are getting it. Slowly.” Pain agreed. “There are many things you can learn from me. ANd one is the beauty of uncertainty. And to let go of control when you love… and to release all expectations.. .and just Be Love. to your partner… specially to yourself. That’s the best gift.”

I took a deep breath. Relieved. Having this tiny moment of clarity. I chose to write my conversation… because should I experience Pain again… I can be reminded… that Pain is a friend… and one needs to set Pain free… so I can freely love..and that pain need not suffer.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” – Mother Teresa

And once you enter the threshold of pain….. you actually realize that behind it is Love….

“I want to know if you’ve touched the center of your own sorrow, if you’ve been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.” Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I guess what I just did… was being in touch with the center of my sorrow and pain….

and when I surrendered to Love….

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.”- Marianne Williamson

 

And having the realizations I have…. I turned towards Pain and uttered:

“Hey…”

But, when I glanced beside me…. Pain was disappearing… slowly dissolving… as it gave me a warm smile…. Just before vanishing… Pain pointed towards the horizon….and before Pain disappeared… I smiled and said: “Thanks”

Tears fell from my eyes… grateful. Liquid prayers. And when I looked towards the horizon… I saw the rainbow.

And it’s a signal of hope, love and promises fulfilled….

May Love and Hope be yours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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