Let me tell you about a guy I met Once upon a December of last year…
He was funny, light, friendly, warm…..It started out as, casual, friendly chitchats.
Then, by the middle of this year, our conversations became frequent and it went on daily…..
I admire how he was just so caring, in fact he’s the only guy that I remember who never skipped a beat in messaging me that I liked. And that kind of got me.
He said he liked me, I said I liked him back.
Our connection was just uncanny, we’d finish each other’s sentence, or have the same thought (ahh this one I would surely miss!!). He’d know how I am feeling at that exact moment.
He warned me at the beginning.. that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that being he still needed closure from a previous relationship. I respected the space. And continued being friends with him… but little did I know, I was slowly getting there..
and one day, I couldn’t help it. I just had to say it.
I know Elvis Presley, was right. [insert song] “Wise men say… only fools rush in.. but,I can’t help… falling in love with youuuu.”
But, I just had to… without expectations of course.
And he received it well. He was wise to say, that we just take it slow and be friends and build the foundation. To which, I agreed.
One night, I casually mentioned an ex who recently communicated to me just once after some 2 years. It was just a short inquiry from the ex and an innocent reply I gave out of respect. I wasn’t out to make him jealous when I mentioned that, I was just being honest and open when it was brought up. I didn’t know being honest and open can come off as…. destructive. *sigh*
And that changed the mood of everything. It’s like a button I pushed. But, he can’t hear my re-assurance. He became withdrawn. And erroneously judged that I was still not over my ex (which is completely, so not true…. because one reason I could communicate that way, was because I am completely over the guy and I couldn’t even imagine a future with the ex).
Barely getting to three months of constant communication…
He told me, he will hibernate… and that I should just go out with other guys instead.
It’s like an arrow piercing my heart, only this time it’s not Cupid’s intoxicating, fluttery feeling one gets.. but it’s the arrow of Fear… the kind that can crush your heart, and my throat gets a lump and it’s like my heart is so crushed it wants to eject itself.
But, no… it needs to stay where it is. And continue beating. And continue feeling the pain.
It pains me to hear that. Though, how much I want to go mental about it… I chose to see the other side of it, and listen from my heart… that well, at least he had so much respect that he told me, instead of dropping me off like a hot potato. Like, most experience I have with some guys.
I told him to… reconsider the statement. But, he was adamant. And wouldn’t budge with his decision.
I can’t blame him, he warned me, that he wasn’t ready anyway.
I just didn’t listen.
What could hurt so much than a love that was denied?
I know my mind can’t grasp what just happened right now. But, my heart… despite the pain… begs to respect his decision. And just let him be. And yes, for my own sake too.
But remembering the Space Captain and Angel story…. yes, my heart’s bruised with the mission of wanting to beam up God’s gift… but, that I must hold on to hope and have faith….
I have no regrets of meeting him. If I have to turn back time, I would always want to relive the moment I met him. That’s how I valued his presence in my life.
Because, he brought healing to how I’m seeing men. And he gave me a very valuable gift…. and that is allowing myself to give and receive love, and cherishing one’s family. And he also gave me a gift about the value of Relationships despite it’s forms and labels. What I used to think, is that I had more other important things to do than to love a man. Surrender to a man, meant I will give myself up so he could shine. And I was really ready to do just that.
Thank you for that, Bootsulit! 🙂 You still have my love and friendship! 🙂 I commit to you that! 🙂
I know there’s wisdom to why this is happening right now.
I am also grateful for God and the heavenly assistance by the angels. I have always sought comfort in Your Presence. The constant affirmation I am receiving…. allows me to move forward. Pero, I know I just have to cry this out pa. It’s still oh so painful. Huwaaaaaaa.
But meantime, let me immerse myself with…. wine, chocolates, rain, crystals, sappy old songs that reminds me of him and there were far too many, Hayahay, go to Mati, tanduay ice, or when i get to Dumaguete buy myself butterbeer, my moving out (yes, sumabay pa sa major life change ko…), my new venture of leaving the known and venturing to the unknown, chick flicks, chick lits, Harry Potter, Enchanted, learning how to cook, renewing my license for LMT, enrolling in ICF Australia to finalize my life coaching affiliation, travel, and a bucketful of tears to break the hardness that is developing in my heart, tears to heal me, and onwards to another journey of self discovery.
P.S. Big Sis!! He was the guy I was talking about sa previous post.. “the I think I found him na…” Huwaaaaa. Buttt. well, Love is something we can’t really control, it just drives us! We just have to release all the expectations and ideals and wait….. Thanks for being there.