a day of wholeness. that was yesterday.
It was our last intensive/session for our 2 month coaching program. We had a total of 20 coachees, which was quiet a load considering, the effort one needs to break down the stubborn barriers/habits each possessed, and the struggle to break down words and simplify for them to understand.
I was one of the facilitators for the coaching series, and I wasn’t supposed to really take on coachee’s. But, I did, because during the pre-coach series, I handled them and one requested not to be passed to the other coach. That was something I should not have done, because I thought I could juggle the workload, I could be getting from the coming weeks.
You see, aside from the coaching series, I had to handle a Service Center from a nearby city, handle other commitments (workshops, I’ve committed to), and brainstorm for the re-programming of a coaching series, social stuff(I have to re-surface for highschool & college friends).
During the last session, we asked them to share their own Heart Quest Journey… “what worked” and “what didn’t work”. One of my coachee’s chose to speak first and he got 100% on bot accounts but he said, to my face and in front of 19 coachees, and 6 coaches, that the “coaching” part didn’t work.
That was like the end of Davao for me. [not the world, yet. though] I felt really, really bad, and it was like ughhhh. I can’t take it off my mind.
I wanted to lash out or burst out into tears from getting that feedback. And he went on and on, about how he had to do his own thing, and that he did it all by himself (which was really the purpose of coaching, I’m merely a sounding board). “My happiness & excitement worked”, he says but it was like saying “I didn’t like my coach”.
I wanted to defend myself, I wanted to say: “Can’t you see? The whole point of the coaching series was for you to do it on your own. Not someone who would tell you what to do. And besides, you weren’t even doing your part when I asked you to list down your action plans! *&#$%!” Insert all the reasons my ego needs to defend itself.
But then, I deduced it to: “Why, thank you for your feedback and your honesty, I needed that.” *as I grit my teeth, and softened my glare.
However, there was some truth to that. For the first few weeks, I was updated by their progress, cheering them on, suggesting things, reminding them. However, when they started not to be on time when it comes to calls, I told them to just sms me. Maybe, the calls was too much for me, too uncomfortable, because I had to stop what I was doing, and for the next couple of weeks, my commitment to the 2 coachees regressed. It was also due to the fact, that I was facing something really challenging which involves thousands of money to recover, and emotional stuffs. And it’s like I wasn’t in the space of dealing with it.
I was also holding back for most of the part.
And in the long run, I wasn’t there na. 100%. So, I really deserved to hear that feedback. No matter, how that hurts, and how that marred my ego. Man, no stroking of egos today pala!
Once again my issues of holding back, people pleasing are coming to surface. Arghhh.
And what I was giving to the series, is being reflected with the results they are getting.
My gentle, loving, allowing self didn’t work. Well, wait lang. I’ll be your hard-to-please, no- nonsense, push-you-to your limits coach! Haha. Joke lang.
But, the real struggle for me as of late… is balancing all these commitments all at once, which is really sometimes taking a toll on me, as I have to use all my mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and social capacity to it’s limits. And really being there 100% despite all the challenges trying to burn my butt.
Balance. I need to find my balance.
(wala pa ako love life nyan ha!! see, how much I need a love life that is not another headache? one that is light and humorous, because life… and other people are giving me theirs na noh!)